


To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (1/4)

by leviathans_moon



Category: Merlin (BBC) RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-09
Updated: 2010-09-10
Packaged: 2017-10-12 11:19:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/124303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviathans_moon/pseuds/leviathans_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He gets her and she gets him, except they somehow don’t get each other. Broken hearts, broken pride and minds dominating over feelings stand between them. Climbing and being pushed over those obstacles takes time and needs some help from their friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[fanfiction](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/fanfiction), [merlin](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/merlin), [writings](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/writings)  
  
  
---|---  
  
**Author:** leviathans_moon

 **Title:** To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (1/4)

 **Pairing:** Katie/Colin

 **Rating:** M

 **Warning:** domestic violence.

 **Wordcount:** +24k

 **Summary:** He gets her and she gets him, except they somehow don’t get each other. Broken hearts, broken pride and minds dominating over feelings stand between them. Climbing and being pushed over those obstacles takes time and needs some help from their friends.

 **Comment:** Masterpost is [here](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/55147.html), where you can also find the lovely, lovely header made by [](http://spikessire.livejournal.com/profile)[**spikessire**](http://spikessire.livejournal.com/) . The divider is also made by her. Please make sure to drop her a comment in here or in her journal. I think she did a fantastic job, and it was absolute fun working with her. Thank you so much*-*. She also helped me find some songs for the fanmix. As did [](http://farosdaughter.livejournal.com/profile)[**farosdaughter**](http://farosdaughter.livejournal.com/) , who also took up the challenge to beta-read this monster and did a brilliant job of it. Thank you so much for that, you have helped me so much. *hugs*

Also thank you to [](http://rei17.livejournal.com/profile)[**rei17**](http://rei17.livejournal.com/) for various evenings of plotting together, so much fun, and the occasional motivational push *hugs*, to [](http://schwarze-elster.livejournal.com/profile)[**schwarze_elster**](http://schwarze-elster.livejournal.com/) for long discussions about this story while sitting in various pubs in Cardiff and the pointing out of the bookshop (it's real!!! not made up), to [](http://tsutsumi.livejournal.com/profile)[**tsutsumi**](http://tsutsumi.livejournal.com/) for the lines concerning the dog and Bradley, and to [](http://hope-calaris.livejournal.com/profile)[**hope_calaris**](http://hope-calaris.livejournal.com/) for motivation and pushing. Only one of them is somewhat active in Merlin fandom, but never mind that*g*. They're my writing buddies and they're awesome. And now enjoy^^.  


  


 _  
**Fic: To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (1/4)**   
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"We got a Keira Knightley on the cast!" said Bradley as Colin passed him in the hallway on his way to the meeting room where the very first read-through was scheduled to take place. Colin couldn't quite follow him and offered a blank look.

  
"Well.. you know.. one of the girls..uhm, well..."

  
Bradley cringed under the scrutiny he was subject to by this weird guy, who kept the stare up and didn't offer any sign of understanding.

  
"...looks.. like Keira Knightley?"

  
He became quieter and quieter the further his excuse for a sentence progressed, and scratched his head, shuffled his feet. Somebody from the crew squeezed past them and sort of waved and nodded and Bradley sort of waved and nodded back, although the somebody from the crew wasn’t even looking anymore. He turned back to Colin whose mouth’s left corner had lifted upwards into a smirk and he said something, which might have possibly been about his Keira Knightley comparison, but Bradley couldn't quite follow him, and Colin didn't intend to enlighten him, instead he just shrugged and slouched off towards the meeting room, leaving Bradley to wonder how this job would go.

  
While Bradley now made his way to the loo, Colin entered the meeting room. They had set up a row of tables across the length of the room with seats on either side, plus a lot of chairs standing along the walls. It was to be like the Doctor Who read-through with a rather big crowd listening in on his stumblings along the lines. A chill of nervousness ran down his back. He hated these things. Read-throughs didn't permit you to act properly: you were nailed to your seat, could only try to convey emotion and thus your talent with your voice, and no matter how good the producers and cast directors might think you to be, doing it wrong here could change their minds and make you lose the job you are so looking forward to. He's heard of it happening before. And this could be the big thing, he did not want to screw it up.

  
He also didn't necessarily want to chat with people just right now. He'd just been practising his English accent for the last half hour, and he didn’t want to ruin it by having to talk to people, which he knew he would do in his Northern Irish accent. However, Julian Murphy was coming his way, looking very ready to have a nice 'let's show off the lead actor of the show to everyone who doesn't know him yet'- round, of course expecting Colin to politely answer any and all questions posed.

  
"Ah Colin. Good morning. Did you find your way alright?" He pushed his glasses up his nose and looked at Colin inquiringly, actually wanting an answer.

  
"uhm, yeah, 'twas easy." Colin smiled and shrugged his shoulders, and Julian was satisfied. 'Keep it short and simple, but polite, Morgan', Colin thought before running through his litany of phonetic rules to keep the English accent from slipping away. Julian ushered him over to a corner where Anthony Steward Head was standing together with two girls. One Colin had seen before, though not talked to. She was to play Guinevere and she was pretty, especially with her black curls now all hanging loosely onto her shoulders. He agreed with the casting, he could picture her as the generous and loving Guinevere.

  
The other one he had not yet met, and he supposed that this was the Keira Knightley impersonator Bradley had mentioned, though the hair didn't fit; the way he could remember Keira Knightley's hair, it was a lot shorter and not as black. Plus point for this girl, he'd always liked long hair. 'You can hold on to long hair.' He mentally kicked his thoughts to change direction or else this read-through would become a lot worse than it was already going to be.

"So Katie, Angel, Anthony, this would be Colin Morgan, playing Merlin." Julian said in a carrying voice, that made several people turn their heads towards them and stare at Colin.

  
Colin cringed on the inside, and might have lowered his head a little. He noticed Anthony looking at him sympathetically and holding out his hand. "Nice to meet you, Colin!" He had a firm grip, not the slightest sign of any nervousness. Decades of experience will do that to you. Of course, three months later Tony will tell them all that he had been just as nervous as them that day, that he was just so fine an actor that he could hide it.

  
"Hey, I'm Angel, we've already seen each other." Angel's handshake was the complete opposite to Tony's and Colin thought he'd applied too much pressure as she slightly flexed her fingers after letting go. He tried to convey a 'Sorry' with his look while actually turning towards who he guessed was Katie. "Hi!" was all she said with a smile that seemed too perfect. Her hand was shaking and slightly sweaty, but her smile was steady and she looked him right in the eye.

  
"Hi!" He managed a smile, not as perfect as hers, but passable, or so he thought. Anthony kept looking at him sympathetically.

  
"Right, so, we're just waiting for a few more people and then we can start. Colin, you’re going to read in the English accent, right?" Julian was someone who had to touch people when he talked to them, something Colin was decidedly uncomfortable with, but he forced himself not to squirm and nodded. "Great!" Julian grinned before he went to join and touch the next group of important people. Colin turned and saw that Angel had started talking to Tony and that they'd moved a bit away from him and Katie. He could feel that awkward smile creeping up on him that he always got when faced with a woman on his own. He just never knew what to do, so he smiled and played with his cuffs.

  
"You know, I owe you a big one." Katie said, and laughed nervously.

  
"Why?"

  
"Well, two Irish people on a British show about the most British legend of British legends was a bit too much for the producers, so if you hadn't been able to speak received pronunciation they would have kicked me, 'cause obviously you're the cuter one." He felt red in the face, so he probably was a little red in the face. He raised his arm and scratched his head, not knowing whether to laugh or say thank you or run away screaming.

  
"So, anyway, I thought I'd lost the part when they said they could only have one Irish person on the show, but thank god you're a much better actor than I am."

  
"You don't know that." he managed to say. He'd stopped fiddling with his cuffs and shoved his hands in his pockets. There was that smile again, the ‘I'm confident no matter what' smile. ‘It was good, just not good enough.’ Colin kicked himself mentally, again. He didn't want to be mean, not about this and not to her, not to anybody really. He needed to say something, anything.

  
"So, where are you from?" 'Awesome, Morgan. Really interesting. Stick with nodding and smiling.' But Katie seemed to pick up on it, glad to have something, and was about to answer, when:

  
"Right, what do you guys think about going out for drinks afterwards? To get to know each other, you know? I mean, we've got to work together for a long time, we should find out how to avoid getting on each other's nerves." Colin soon found out that the more nervous Bradley was the louder and more obnoxious he became. He was very loud and slightly obnoxious at the read-through, something Colin would mock him for at later times.

  
"What, by drinking profuse amounts of alcohol?" Angel asked with a twinkle in her eyes, having left Anthony with another group of people.

  
"Why, yes, of course. How else?" Grand gestures were part of being loud and obnoxious, and it didn’t really get any grander than throwing your arms out wide, almost hitting one of the guest stars.

  
"Sorry, guys, I can't. I'm meeting my boyfriend afterwards," said Katie, biting her lip shyly, suddenly acting completely contrary to her confident self from before. She caught Colin looking at her questioningly, but averted her eyes, and brought the smile back, even more flashy this time.

  
"Lucky guy," Bradley said with a grin.

  
"Yeah, tell him that," she joked dryly.

  
Julian clapped his hands. "OK, everyone let's get started." Everyone started to shuffle to their appointed seats. Bradley looked pointedly at Colin and Angel. "Right, you two, no excuses. Drinks after this."

So they went and ended up in a dingy pub just around the corner from where the read-through had taken place, sipping on their beers, or cocktail in Angel's case. Bradley led the conversation, though Angel opened up more and more the emptier her glass became. Colin just listened; he had always been somewhat incompetent when it came to being social. His own mother had told him that, always amused about how that trait did not fit with wanting to be an actor.

  
"So, Colin." He snapped out of his thoughts as Bradley addressed him. "Girlfriend?" he asked, raising one eyebrow. Angel nudged him under the table.

  
"Bradley, you don't ask that on a first meeting. Don't you have any decency?"

  
"No," He grinned, "and I'll ask you next. Prepare a good answer. So?"

  
"A good answer or an answer that suits you?" mocked Angel, but Bradley ignored her, gaze still fixed on Colin, who had turned red and started fiddling with his wristband.

  
"Uhm, no."

  
"Boyfriend?"

  
Colin laughed and looked at Angel. "No, 'm not gay."

  
"Aha, now who’s prone to indecency? Getting out the same-sex issue on the first meeting. Well, Angel, you wanna tell us something? And please don't spare the details."

  
"My god, Bradley, are you always like this?" Angel rolled her eyes.

  
"Come on, Angel, you like me." Bradley grinned, flashed his looks, and got up, grabbing their glasses. "Next round's on me." Behind Bradley's back, Angel and Colin shared a knowing look but not knowing what exactly they knew.

  


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"You're being ridiculous. I've only just met them. You asked me how it went." Katie was standing in the middle of her living room. Her face was red with anger, her hair was wild and her eyes expressed hurt. Chad kicked the table that stood between them.

  
"Bullshit. First opportunity and you're in bed with them." In his rage he sent spit flying everywhere. Katie unconsciously took a step back.

  
"You're insane. You think I've had an affair with every guy I look at longer than five seconds," she fired back. "You're probably the one who's cheating. You're just afraid I take the liberty as well."

  
She regretted saying that instantly. Chad stormed around the table. She couldn't move fast enough. One hand gripped her wrist. The other closed around her neck and pushed her back against the wall. "You bitch!" A stifled scream escaped her lips. Tears sprang to her eyes out of shock. Her hands fisted his shirt, trying to push him away. Her meagre efforts must have sent the message to his brain, because he let go abruptly. She pushed him away and stormed into the bedroom. She got out a bag, started stuffing clothes into it.

  
"What are you doing?" His voice was dangerous, but she didn't stop. She threw some sanitary products in after her clothes and closed the bag. "I’m gone." He tried to grab her, but she slipped past him. She closed the bedroom door in his face, and ran. Out of the apartment, out of the house and onto the street. She didn't stop. Not until she got to her friend Freddy's house. She rang the bell, he opened in his PJs. Once inside, she dropped the bag. All the fear exploded out of her. Her body shook and she cried, sitting in the middle of the hall, holding onto her best friend.

  


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Colin was sitting outside on the lawn that was part of the studio grounds, reading his script for the afternoon. It was a fairly warm day, for March anyway, though he could smell rain in the air. He'd wanted to use the rest of his one-hour lunch break to restudy the script, so he'd taken a blanket with him and settled on the green. He'd always liked the sound of the wind rustling in the leaves of the trees nearby. It helped him focus.

  
They had just started filming about three weeks ago. He still felt unsure about his character, felt like there was something missing, something he should add, but couldn't quite grasp yet. He had hoped rereading his lines would help him see it, but so far no luck. It was a bit frustrating, if he was honest with himself. It was a feeling close to that of having failed, though everyone seemed perfectly satisfied with him.

  
"Do you ever stop working?" Katie smiled down at him, and he moved to make room on the blanket.

  
"No. I don't even sleep."

  
"Ah, okay, so you're a supernatural being that only needs work to survive," she said while trying to sit down without crinkling or dirtying her dress.

  
"Yes, but keep it secret," murmured Colin quietly, holding up a finger to his lips.

  
"Okay," she whispered. Colin smiled.

  
Katie said nothing for a while. She stared into the distance, her look a bit vacant. Colin played with his shirtcuffs. This was a bad habit he kept telling himself to get rid of but he couldn't help it.

  
"Are you alright?" His voice was an unsure whisper. The way Katie snapped her head around, he knew he shouldn't have asked. Not like this, not without any apparent reason.

  
"I'm fine." There was that smile again. He knew she was lying. He wondered what would cause her to lie, to hide behind that perfect smile. There’d been few chances to get to know her better. She always went back to London over the weekend, always coming back looking more exhausted than when she’d left. But he wasn't going to press what she didn't want to tell, so he smiled back.

  
"Good." But Katie didn't appear as if she had heard it.

  
Bradley appeared in their middle.

  
"Right, you two lovebirds, back on set. I wanna get home by seven, so let's go!"

  
"Lovebirds? Really Bradley, what are you, 14?" said Katie, holding out her hand to him.

  
"Lovebirds is not 14-year-old slang." He ignored Katie's hand.

  
"No, he's right Katie. Not 14. 12." Colin grinned.

  
"Aw, Bradley, puberty's just started. I know it's hard and everything's awkward. Are you afraid of women? Don't be. We can be nice." Colin couldn't hide a giggle. Katie looked at him with crinkling eyes, taking the hand he offered.

  
"Very funny. I'm not the one getting way too cosy with our lead actor on a blanket, Ms McGrath." Bradley stalked off.

  
"I'd love to see that, though, Mr James." Bradley laughed loudly. Turning towards her, he said: "I bet you would, you naughty woman." Katie acted affronted, before resuming straightening out her dress. Colin folded the blanket together, picked up his script.

  
"You look fine." She stopped fussing and looked at him.

  
"If I looked just 'fine', I wouldn't have gotten this job."

  
"Uhm, no, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that.. you know.. your dress was.. you're beautiful obviously... I mean, not obviously... but..." Colin faltered and Katie laughed out loud.

  
"Relax, Col. I wasn't serious." She turned around. Colin let out a long sigh. His shoulders sagged and he shook his head. 'Idiot.'

  
"Come on, we've got work to do.", yelled Katie.

  
Colin looked at the sky before following her. In the distance dark clouds were approaching, promising rain. They would spend the location shoot this afternoon completely drenched, he would bet on it.

  
 _The rain was getting heavier. It wasn't yet the torrential rain that he had wished for, but it was close. He was lying on the roof of his block of flats. Usually the place for the best student parties, but not in this weather. He was soaked through to his skin, his clothes clinging to him. Water was running into his ears, his stupid big ears._

  
His mother had been right. Of course she had been right. And why did he ever assume that anyone could actually really truthfully want him? He's been fooled again. What an idiot, people are going to say.

  
The rain stopped, and yet he could still hear it.

  
"Hi."

  
"You'll catch your death out here,” said Sam, holding the umbrella over both of them.

  
"I wish."

  
"Colin, honestly. Get in and drown yourself in booze and porn like any other heartbroken man, but don't actually drown yourself." Colin opened his eyes and looked into Sam's questioning face. So the news had gotten around. Maybe not completely yet. 'But it will, it will.' Slowly he got to his feet and slumped towards the exit, catching a last bit of rain. He could hear Sam sigh. He wondered if it was because he pitied him for what happened, because he presented such a poor and pathetic figure or because he had gotten wet now because of Colin.

  
"Your Mum called. I told her you were out." She had probably sensed it and had called to rub it in. Goddammit, when had he started to think so badly of his mother? It wasn't her fault. She'd only warned him. Rightfully.

  
Sam brought him a towel and went into the kitchen to make coffee. Irish coffee, naturally. Colin wasn't sure whether they actually had porn in the house. Sam had a girlfriend, he didn't necessarily need any. Nor did Colin up until now. Sam came into the living room with two steaming cups and set them down on the table.

  
"So, you as toyboy, yeah?"

  
"Pretty much."

  
"She's a bitch."

  
"I know. You've said that many times before."

  
"I'm sorry I was right. I wish I hadn't been."

  
They heard the door being opened. "Hello, boys." Sarah was a dancer. And despite of all the grace she could show on stage, she was always extremely loud in every other situation, and not just with her voice, though that was the dominant part. But as they didn't see her that much, due to training hours, they had yet to go crazy. She stomped into the living room.

  
"Oh my, why are you soaked through?" She asked, not really stopping for an answer, but still expecting one.

  
"He thought it'd be nice to lie on the roof,” provided Sam.

  
Sarah slowed down. "She dumped you."

  
"He dumped her." She stopped and turned on the spot, quite gracefully. That turn would also have been quiet, had it not been for her backpack that slammed against the doorframe to her room.

  
"Good on you, Colin, good on you."

  
"After he found out she was fucking another guy."

  
"Aw, shit. I'm sorry, Colin." She looked it, too, amazingly. She'd never liked Linda either. No one had, to be honest. That should have been a warning. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He got up from the couch.

  
"I'll go to bed."

  
"Don't kill yourself. She isn't worth it." The thing with Sarah was... she meant things like that.

  
"What about the porn?" asked Sam, sounding slightly disappointed.

  
"Became impotent overnight."

  
"Harsh, man, harsh." Sam smiled. As long as Colin could still be sarcastic, the world wouldn't end yet.

  
"Sarah? Porn?"

  
"You're disgusting."

  
"Why is it that women never admit that they like porn?" he yelled after her.

  
Colin popped his head out of his room. "Because then they would have to admit that they actually love sex, like men do, they just don't love the sex they have with you. But you're such a good man."

  
"I think I like you better when you're suicidal." Sam glared at him. "Go mope." He turned his back pretending to be cross.

  
"Sam?"

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Thanks."

Colin thought about Sam a lot these days. Having Bradley around did a lot for that. Their characters were similar, except Bradley was a little less sure of himself. He worried a lot about his acting, always unsure about whether he was doing it right and whether the director and producers liked it. Sam had always been more confident, nearly to the point of arrogance. Whenever they had worked together on a project it had seemed more like a fierce competition than anything else. But maybe he just thought that now, after everything that had happened.

  
Working with Bradley was fun, though. He muddled up his lines a lot, missed something, grabbed a prop and let it fall, because gravity was so much stronger than him. Or like just now. Bradley was supposed to raise the goblet to his mouth, and nearly drink before Colin came running in, yelling, ripping it from his hands. Except the prop masters had filled the goblet with liquid and Bradley dipped it too far without actually drinking and the liquid ran down his front. His ‘Ah, shit’ had then been the cue for the rest of the crew to laugh.

  
He, Katie and Angel were sitting at the side of the hall, Katie with her head on his shoulder, Angel scribbling away in her notebook. It took Bradley quite a while to change into another shirt, or maybe they were fanning it dry.

  
“What are you writing?” asked Colin, just to start a conversation, because he was getting slightly bored.

  
“She’s writing a love story about a count in the Highlands meeting and seducing a town girl who is on vacation there.” mumbled Katie from his shoulder.

  
“Not the Highlands, Katie. The Alps, Italy.” Angel shot a reproachful look in the general direction of Katie’s head. She giggled.

  
“Bella Italia,” said Colin in acceptable ‘The Godfather’-imitation. Angel swatted his arm down. Katie giggled some more. She raised her head, grinning at them both.

  
“Oh, we need to do a ‘Godfather’- trilogy matinee. All three films after another.” Angel groaned, Colin nodded. “And have pizza and pasta and ice cream. And what else is typical of Italy?”

  
“Marble.”, said Colin, which sent Katie and Angel into fits. Anthony passed them and raised his eyebrows at Colin, who shrugged in his best ‘I didn’t do anything’- expression. Anthony sniffed his coffee suspiciously. It had only been three days since Bradley managed to put salt into it without him noticing.

  
Come Friday night the four of them were sat in Angel’s room surrounded by popcorn, chocolate, crisps, coke, and pizza. For Katie it was the first time staying in Cardiff over the weekend. She’d always been travelling back to London, saying she had to do stuff. ‘The Godfather’ had finally tempted her to stay. And after a long discussion in front of Bradley, they had agreed to include him, but pretty much only so that they could blame him by the third movie and moan about what a stupid idea it had been. Bradley endured being bombarded with popcorn and crisps. It wasn’t his room, so he didn’t have to clean it all up afterwards. Angel didn’t seem to care much about it anyway. They had finished all three films at 3 o’clock in the morning. Bradley yawned loudly the moment the end titles started to play. Katie was already fast asleep, her head resting on Colin’s belly, her legs half stretched out across Angel’s legs and only Angel and Colin seemed to have been capable of holding out properly.

  
“And that’s Lord of the Rings next Friday, right?” asked Colin with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Bradley threw some of the popcorn from the floor at him.

  
“I need at least 6 months to recover from this torture,” said Bradley and punctuated it with another yawn. “Right, I’m off to bed. You need help with Snow White here?”

  
“She can sleep here,” said Angel, gently moving Katie’s legs into a straighter position, while Colin tried to not wake her while extricating himself from under her. He placed her head on the pillow as gently as possible. Katie stirred a bit and turned onto her side.

  
“Good night,” whispered Colin and moved slowly off the bed, of course hitting that one bedspring that squeaked, but Katie slept on.

  
Both Bradley’s and Colin’s rooms were only a few doors down from Angel’s. They walked their six or seven steps in silence. In front of his room, Colin turned to open the door, mumbled another ‘Good night’ and had almost fully opened his door, when Bradley finally decided to talk.

  
“So, uhm, what was that with Katie?” he asked, looking a tiny bit too interested.

  
Colin’s face clearly told Bradley that he didn’t have a clue what Bradley was talking about. “What was what with Katie? I didn’t want to wake her.”

  
“Not talking about that. That was harmless and innocent. I’m talking about her having her head lying in your lap through all three films, putting it back there every time she returned from the loo. And I’m talking about you stroking her hair. Somewhat absentmindedly, but you were definitely stroking her hair.” Bradley grinned like he’d just won the annual Cardiff ‘Who can eat the most Welsh Cakes’ marathon.

  
“What?”

  
“Oh, come on. You can’t deny it. We saw you. Angel and I have been throwing telling looks at each other via the reflection in the window. She’ll be questioning Katie tomorrow. Soooo, you got a thing for Katie?” Bradley poked him in the shoulder.

  
“I, I, no. And what about you and Angel?” Colin blushed.

  
“Angel and I are just friends, partners in crime. Besides, I didn’t stroke her hair for nine bloody hours. And don’t change the subject. It’s not like I’d blame you. Katie’s gorgeous.”

  
“Yeah, she is.” It was late, Colin was tired. His mind did wondrous things when he was tired. “I mean, I mean, I mean, yeah, she’s gorgeous, but that doesn’t mean that, that ... we’re just, just friends. I don’t go out with other actors. Actresses. I don’t.” He used Bradley’s momentary confoundedness to slip into his room and close the door, but not without a quiet ‘Good night’. Colin was raised properly, after all.

  
He waited until he could hear Bradley closing the door to his own room, before a ‘Shit!’ escaped his lips. He fell onto his bed and rubbed his eyes. He would have been very daft if he hadn’t noticed what he’d been doing all night, but he hadn’t really thought about it. It was nice and Katie hadn’t complained and her hair was really soft and there hadn’t been one moment when he wanted to let go. He sighed. He knew he shouldn’t. He’d made the mistake of going out with someone he worked with. Been there, done that. It went horribly wrong, both while they were still together and after they’d split. He couldn’t really be bullied out of this show as he was the lead character, but neither could Katie go. And why was he even thinking about that? This was nothing like the time with Linda.

  
 _She’d ignored him the first time they sat in that rehearsal room together, when it was still unclear who would play the main character. At the second rehearsal she’d suddenly shown interest, flirted with him. He should have noticed. But he felt flattered, of course, feeling like a small teenage girl experiencing her first advances and getting high and stupid on that feeling. He fell for it._

  
He knew better now, but back then, he enjoyed it. Who wouldn’t have? People kept telling him she was bad news, and he ignored them. Of course, he did. Who wouldn’t have? He relished having attracted someone, relished being in love, or at least he thought he was. He didn’t know anymore whether it really was love. Didn’t really matter.

  
Every rehearsal she’d made it obvious, she was with him. Every rehearsal he saw the looks in everybody’s faces and thought they were jealous. He’d been embarrassed, and barely talked to anyone in that group besides Linda and Sam. The rehearsals were moving along very slowly. Tensions filled up too much space.

  
And then they weren’t moving nowhere anymore with their rehearsals, because he messed up too often. Who wouldn’t, if the ex was sitting there with a grin on her face, surrounded by the rest of the cast making fun of him? He managed showing up three times, defiance in his eyes, trying to replace his emotions with professionalism. The director never yelled at him. The frustration was directed at the group in general, but the looks said something different.

  
He went up to her the next day, told her his dad had an accident, he had to leave, Sam could have the lead, there was no knowing when he would be back, no point in returning to the rehearsals afterwards. He went home. Got hugged by his mother, went hiking with his father, swam in the lake and read. When he returned to Glasgow a week later, he saw Linda leaving his apartment. He found Sam in the kitchen, naked except for shorts, looking well-fucked. And he wasn’t that stupid. And it was his flat.

  
He gave Sam a week’s notice to pack his shit and get out. Sam didn’t argue. Sarah tried to persuade him to change his mind, but he lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling, regretted having given up the role and said nothing. His next room mate was a gay musician.

  


He dragged himself off the bed and into the bathroom. He should at least brush his teeth. The smell of chlorine stormed its way up his nose when he entered. He hated hotel rooms. He hated being alone in hotel rooms. It always had a more pathetic touch than being alone in your own apartment. He should stop thinking about these things. He should stop thinking full stop. It was too late for brain work. All that came out were foolish ideas, like deciding that stroking Katie’s hair was actually kind of nice. Like forgetting that other people might notice. Like comparing now with his horrible second year at uni, as if he had actually considered going out with Katie. He hadn’t. He wouldn’t. It wasn’t right. And he deleted the memory of that night’s dream as soon as he woke up the next morning.

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[part 2](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/54426.html)


	2. </strong> To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (2/4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gets her and she gets him, except they somehow don’t get each other. Broken hearts, broken pride and minds dominating over feelings stand between them. Climbing and being pushed over those obstacles takes time and needs some help from their friends.

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[fanfiction](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/fanfiction), [merlin](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/merlin), [writings](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/writings)  
  
  
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**Author:** leviathans_moon

 **Title:** To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (2/4)

 **Pairing:** Katie/Colin

 **Rating:** M

 **Warning:** domestic violence.

 **Wordcount:** +24k

 **Summary:** He gets her and she gets him, except they somehow don’t get each other. Broken hearts, broken pride and minds dominating over feelings stand between them. Climbing and being pushed over those obstacles takes time and needs some help from their friends.

 **Comment:** Masterpost is [here](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/55147.html), where you can also find the lovely, lovely header made by [](http://spikessire.livejournal.com/profile)[**spikessire**](http://spikessire.livejournal.com/) . The divider is also made by her. Please make sure to drop her a comment in here or in her journal. I think she did a fantastic job, and it was absolute fun working with her. Thank you so much*-*. She also helped me find some songs for the fanmix. As did [](http://farosdaughter.livejournal.com/profile)[**farosdaughter**](http://farosdaughter.livejournal.com/) , who also took up the challenge to beta-read this monster and did a brilliant job of it. Thank you so much for that, you have helped me so much. *hugs*

Also thank you to [](http://rei17.livejournal.com/profile)[**rei17**](http://rei17.livejournal.com/) for various evenings of plotting together, so much fun, and the occasional motivational push *hugs*, to [](http://schwarze-elster.livejournal.com/profile)[**schwarze_elster**](http://schwarze-elster.livejournal.com/) for long discussions about this story while sitting in various pubs in Cardiff and the pointing out of the bookshop (it's real!!! not made up), to [](http://tsutsumi.livejournal.com/profile)[**tsutsumi**](http://tsutsumi.livejournal.com/) for the lines concerning the dog and Bradley, and to [](http://hope-calaris.livejournal.com/profile)[**hope_calaris**](http://hope-calaris.livejournal.com/) for motivation and pushing. Only one of them is somewhat active in Merlin fandom, but never mind that*g*. They're my writing buddies and they're awesome. And now enjoy^^.

 _  
**Fic: To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (2/4)**   
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Colin wished he could at least make it look easier than it was. Bradley continued to throw him significant looks whenever they were close to Katie and Colin blushed furiously, which in Colin’s case meant that he only looked a bit healthier in the face. The ‘blushing’ could be ignored by other people, but Bradley pounced on it.

“Ask her out.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“She’s got a boyfriend.”

“So what, try anyway.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Silence.

“My God, your shyness is unhealthy. Especially for your best man. Having the job done by your hand won’t be satisfying for the rest of your life, you know.” Bradley looked at him pointedly, and Colin might have died right there. Anthony coughed into his cup of tea, burning the inside of his nose in the process.

“Shall I get you a megaphone, Bradley, so you can scream that from the rooftops?” asked Angel in passing, barely concealing laughter.

“NO!” screamed Colin so that everybody noticed. Anthony laughed and choked on his tea. Bradley ran over and thumped him on the back.

“That tea’s trying to kill you, Tony, you should get rid of it.” Colin took his chance to flee and walked down the hallway as fast as he could without looking as if he was running. Away. Far away from that menace called Bradley James.

  
“So that’s decided then.” Bradley sat down next to him at lunch, his plate full with what seemed to be three kinds of meat. He had absolutely no mercy.

“Hm?” Colin formed his question around entirely untortured carrots and potatoes.

“We’re all going out tonight. You, me, Angel, Katie, Michelle maybe, Steph, Kim, Dale, Tony, Richard if he likes and a few others, you get the gist, big group. We’ll go rock Cardiff on a Friday night, and then you have a chance to discreetly weave your way towards Katie and you know... Maybe you can get her drunk – “

“Bradley!” groaned Colin and he would have lowered his head onto the table had it not been for his food in front of him. Why did he ever fumble with Katie’s hair? It certainly wasn’t worth this torture from Bradley.

“Alright, lobby, 8 sharp, alright? And look decent.”

None of them had been out in Cardiff yet. None of them had thought it’d be more exciting than going out in London. None of them had expected to see people in costume lying in front of pubs, half-dead from alcohol. Bradley took a picture with a group of girls dressed up as brides wearing plastic penises in their hair instead of bunny ears. They saw quite a few catwomen as well.

They’d only been to one pub so far, had only had one beer or cocktail each, but this was already the most fun Colin had had in a long time. The girls seemed radiant with laughter and general amusement, wolf-whistling after half-naked guys. Bradley was leading the group. Where? No one really knew. Colin took up its rear, sort of trotting behind the big throng. He had noticed that Katie had tried to surreptitiously throw glances at him several times, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do. Well, to be honest he was a bit tipsy already and slightly afraid he’d make an idiot of himself.

“Bradley, where are we going?” yelled Tony from behind Katie and Angel.

“There was a sign that said Brewery. Good place to be, I thought,” he yelled back before rounding the corner. Half of the group had followed him when Colin heard him burst out in laughter. Everyone hurried up a bit.

“Colin, you seriously need to get laid,” said Bradley still laughing. Katie blushed and smiled rather dreamily, Angel giggled, Dale was steadying himself on Tony he was laughing so much.

  
 **Colin’s Bookshop**  
Beneath it was a sign that read: Adult bookshop

  
“Oh no, you weren’t supposed to know about that.” said Colin dryly.

“So how much discount would I get?” Bradley put an arm around him and steered him towards the courtyard lined with pubs and bars.  
“I don’t do discounts.”

“No fair.” Bradley pouted, but Colin’s expression remained stony.

“Well, Bradley, looks like you need it as much as Colin.” said Katie stalking past them, clearly telling them it was her turn to pick the bar.

Which turned out to be a mistake because that particular bar sold alcohol shots for a pound each and the guys thought it would be a great idea to buy one every ten minutes and get stupendously drunk.

“Here Colin, this one’s for you.” said Dale, sliding the glass across the table.

“I... I think I should stop.”

“No, go on.”

“Clearly when you are still able to say you should stop you’re not drunk enough yet.” said Angel, grinning way too mischievously.

“Well said, Angel. Colin, you can’t give up before Tony. How does that look?”

“That..that’s not fai... fair. Tony’s lived longer, had more time to practice.” Colin already did not look as if he would be able to walk straight when standing, but he downed the shot, followed by a sip from his beer.

And then he had to pee. And while he was in the area he also emptied his stomach the other way. His mind was blurred. The door to the cubicle was closer than it appeared and he ran into it before managing to open it. He washed his hands and mouth, looked in the mirror to try and see whether he’d missed the toilet. He stumbled through the door, nearly bumping into someone with the same pretty hair as Katie.

“Col, I think we should go home. You alright?”

It was Katie. Colin grinned and hugged her. “Katie.”

She started to giggle, but hugged him back, snaking her arms around his thin frame. They lost balance a bit, making Katie giggle even more.

“Your hair smells nice.” Katie blushed. “Your boyfriend’s very lucky.” She withdrew from the hug and looked to the ground.

“Don’t have one anymore.” She nearly whispered it and Colin’s drunken head needed some time to hear and then process what she had said. Somewhere deep inside his brain also registered that she hadn’t said it in a flirtatious manner.

“Oh.” As if a strong wind had blown through the bar, Colin lost his balance and fell against the wall. The sober moment was gone, Katie was giggling again as Colin tried hard not to slide down along the wall and look like a complete idiot. Katie grabbed his arm and helped him steady himself.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

Angel, Dale and Steph joined them. Bradley continued battling Anthony over who could hold his liqueur better, the others encouraging the one they had placed bets on.

Colin was being more or less carried by Dale, though he did try to put his legs to use, but they nearly did more damage than good. Dale’s feet got stepped on quite often.

“Well,” said Dale with a bit of strain in his voice. “I have to say, I’m glad he’s only clumsy when drunk. Some of my friends get either aggressive or start groping.”

“Maybe you’re just not Colin’s type, Dale.” giggled Angel.

“No, he’s not.” said Colin matter-of-factly, which sent Angel and Katie into full-on laughter, including tears. They didn’t stop until they were back at the hotel, where Dale dragged Colin into his room, let him flop down on the bed and wished him a good night, closing the door behind him. Colin didn’t even take off his shoes.

  
Steady slow knocking woke him up the next morning. He rolled over groaning, rubbing his eyes. When he opened his door he looked at a Bradley with shadows under his eyes, but other than that he was as chipper as Flipper. And holding a tube of toothpaste in his hand.

“Morning.” He made his way into the room. Colin closed the door and moved back to the bed, falling down on it head first. “So, didn’t go as planned, did it? Never mind, we can try again in France in two weeks.”

Colin made a non-committal noise. “Now, Angel or Anthony?” Colin didn’t appear as if he had heard the question.

“Oi.” Bradley threw himself down on the bed beside Colin. “Angel or Anthony?”

“Angel.” grumbled Colin.

“Sweet. See ya.” As soon as Bradley left the room to do what he couldn’t refrain from doing, Colin dropped his shoes, crawled under the blanket and fell asleep again.

He woke up again about two hours later to Angel’s angry screams. Something about ‘stupid’, ‘childish’, ‘Bradley’ and ‘toothpaste’. He took a long shower to drown out the life outside his room.

  


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“’Cause it’s my first my first time using it, and I haven’t even given a proper introduction. I only just started filming.” Colin had the camera. Winner. Bradley had gone off sulking, or at least that was what Colin gloriously told himself to feel even cooler. He swerved the camera around, filming some of the crew members who were taking out all sorts of food of the unhealthy kind and laughing and joking.

“Yeah, I think this sums up what this trip’s gonna be like. Fabulous!” He settled back into his chair. “We’re on the Eurostar, going to France. And.. and Angel’s been dyin’ to speak to the camera.”

“Hi everyone. We’re on the Eurostar, going to France. Very, very exciting. All together.”

“I’ve just said the same thing.” said Colin from behind the camera, laughing.

“Oh, whatever.”

“Angel? You want some wine?” asked Steph from across the aisle.

“Oooh, lovely.” Angel reached over and grabbed the plastic cup. “Thanks.”

“We’ve been two minutes on the train,” the camera was shakily turned, “and already they’ve got the wine out.”

“Chocolate brownies.”

“Wine.”

“And ferrero rocher. Look at that.” Colin swung the camera over the seats trying to get as many people as possible. “Everyone’s so excited.”

A small cheer rose up a bit further up the coach and Colin, looking up, saw Katie approaching.

“We’ve all been in coach 5 and Katie’s been in coach 16. She’s just caught up with us,” he told the camera.

“You’re here,” exclaimed Steph already filling a cup with wine for Katie.

“No! I'm way somewhere else, I've come down.” Katie dragged her small suitcase after her and then fell into the seat across the aisle from Colin. “Hi!” She smiled in the camera.

“Why were you down there?” asked Steph as she handed over.

“I wasn’t sure whether I wasn’t going to arrive in France one or two days after you guys or not. So I was a bit late confirming. And then someone booked me into coach 16, for whatever reason.”

“Bad organisation,” said Colin, tucking away the camera. “Hey Steph, where’s my wine?”

“No, you’re not getting any, Col. Don’t give him any, Steph,” ordered Katie.

“Right, you’ll embarrass the whole crew.” Steph threw him a ferrero rocher as reconciliation.

“Come on, I’m not embarrassing when I’m drunk.” Colin felt he needed to defend himself.

“No, you’re right. You’re kinda cute when you’re drunk. You’re the touching type, wanting hugs and stuff.” Katie was rummaging in her bag while saying that and didn’t notice Colin slightly rolling his eyes. Everyone always calls him cute.

“Yeah, Katie’s right. You’re sweet when you’re drunk. But you’re still not getting any wine.” She threw another ferrero into his lap and patted him on his head.

“God, I feel like I’m four.” Katie laughed at that.

“Don’t worry. You look like a man.” She winked at him, and Colin was just trying to think of something witty to say back, when Anthony whistled so loud his ears were still hurting hours later.

“Everyone, can I please have your attention.” He waited till all the groaning and giggling stopped. “I have been negotiating with Bradley, and I need absolute unanimity. Bradley said that if I get that he will not do any pranks while we’re in France and will call it a truce for that time. Hands up who’s for no pranks.”

It didn’t take long for everyone to raise their arms. Anthony started giggling and Bradley just muttered a ‘damn it’. “Right, thanks. That’s settled then.” A loud cheer rose up.

“What would have happened if one person hadn’t raised their hand?” asked Julian bemused.

“I would have signed all of Bradley’s Buffy DVDs and been the only one left out of the pranks.” said Anthony cheerfully, for which he received a volley of various pieces of garbage. Everyone laughed. Colin got the camera back out and switched it on again. Katie and Angel started walking up and down the aisle like models on a catwalk, cheered on by everybody else, until Katie fell and couldn’t get up anymore because she was laughing so hard.

  
The truce didn't last very long, but it wasn't Bradley or Colin who broke it. Katie and Angel said they'd been forced by Tony, but Bradley didn't believe them, obviously. Not that Tony wouldn't get down to that level, but having shower gel in your shoes, which smelled like flowers, was a very distinct hint as to who had done the deed. Colin had found it very amusing, as he hadn't been hit, the git, and he and Katie made jokes about it all day. "Colin, can you hear that squelching sound? Where is it coming from?" - "From Bradley's shoes. He tried to soften them," and other idiotic comments were made whenever he walked past them. 'Wash your feet, Bradley' was shouted across the set numerous times. By six o'clock people still found it funny, especially Colin. Bradley could only shake his head and swear revenge.

Which he was sitting right in front of at that particular moment. He'd stolen a photo of Katie's old dog out of her wallet and was trying to think of something to do with it. Cut out the head? Too drastic. Maybe he should just draw a thought bubble and scribble something stupid into it. He took out one of those permanent black markers and started drawing the bubble. A bubble that looked more like a cloud, but drawing perfectly wasn't the point here and absolutely beyond Bradley's talents. He'd just finished writing "I drink from the toilet" next to the dog's head, when Colin came into his room.

"Bradley, what did you do to the photo?" he said, to which Bradley looked affronted.

"What gives you the idea that I have it?"

"Because one, you're you, two, you're the one who wants payback and three, it's lying on the table in front of you." Colin raised his right eyebrow, to which Bradley only grinned.

"You look like Richard. You spent too much time with him." He held up the photo. "What d'you think?"

"I think Katie will kill you."

"Nah, she won't kill me, she might yell at me, but she won't kill me." Bradley put the photo down on the table, a bit disappointed that Colin didn't find it funny.

"Except that that was her favourite pet ever, and she saw it killed in a car accident. Remember? She told us on the train ride here."

"No, she only ever tells you these sort of things." Bradley prodded him in the stomach for emphasis.

"No, she doesn't." Colin looked slightly taken aback.

"Yes, she does, for whatever reason."

There was a knock at the door. An angry knock. Very angry.

"Oh shit, she will kill me." Bradley started to feel bad about his little prank, but he was also starting to consider whether his chances of survival were better if he jumped out of the window.

"Just give it to me," said Colin, sounding slightly resigned. He had half the mind to let Katie loose on Bradley, but in the end, Bradley hadn't acted out of malice and Merlin needed an Arthur, which meant that Colin needed Bradley. He took the photo and strode towards the door.

"Tell her I didn't know how important it was," shouted Bradley after him.

"Not that that's going to make a difference."

Colin opened the door. Katie was fuming and looked ready to tear down villages. She didn't even falter when it was Colin who opened the door. She tried to get past him, but he stepped in her way and held out the photo.

"Sorry, I was too late to stop him," he said, trying his best to look apologetic. Katie stared. Colin wasn't sure whether she was actually reading what Bradley had written. It seemed as if all she could see where the black lines that hadn't been there before. And the fuming intensified. This time she tried harder to get past him and was already half into the room, before Colin could effectively hold her back.

"Katie, he knows you hate him." He was now standing in front of her, holding her at arms length and trying to gently guide her out of the room and away from Bradley, or he might indeed be killed by her.

"Katie, I'm sorry," yelled Bradley from inside the room, hidden behind the wall that separated the bathroom from the rest. Not that him yelling 'sorry' from a distance did much to help him, but Katie couldn't get past Colin. In her frustration she finally kicked Colin in the shin, who had to let her go as a result, but was still in her way. She grabbed one of her shoes and threw it around the corner, and a distinct 'ow' meant that she'd hit her target.

"Katie!" shouted Colin after her as she stormed out of the room and banged the door shut. Colin poked his head around the corner, still rubbing his shin, and saw Bradley with one hand at his hip, rubbing the spot where Katie had hit him, and holding the shoe in his other hand.

"Why the hell is she wearing heels?" he asked incredulously.

"Just for your pleasure, Bradley," said Colin and received a mock grin from Bradley. "Please apologize to her." Colin's sober voice brought back the guilty feeling and Bradley nodded solemnly. Colin left without another word.

  


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One week later and Bradley had tried and failed miserably. Every time he plucked up the courage to face Katie, she walked away or slammed the door in his face. Bradley knew that Angel was trying to appease her, but to no avail so far. Katie didn't talk to him unless it was absolutely necessary. If Bradley had known what a stupid photo of that dog meant to Katie he would have taken the photo of the cat instead. He knew he was getting angry as well, because Katie was so stubborn and unforgiving. He was slowly starting to lose his patience and just say 'fuck it' and never talk to Katie again. The producers and director were looking at him in a weird way, though. Probably trying to make him feel guilty as well but Colin was already doing a good job of that.

"You haven't apologized to her yet, have you?" asked Colin yet again one afternoon, after they had had a scene in the great hall and Katie had stalked off when the announcement for the wrap that day had been made.

"It's not like she's giving me a chance to apologize," replied Bradley, whose mood had instantly turned foul.

"Maybe you need to try harder," suggested Colin, accompanied by a nod from Anthony who'd overheard their conversation.

"Maybe you could try. She likes you."

"You probably haven't noticed it yet, but she isn't talking to me either." That Bradley had indeed not noticed. What he did notice now though was the accusatory tone which Colin couldn't hide completely. Colin sighed. He'd noticed it, too.

"Just apologize for the photo, and I'll apologize for taking your side, and then hopefully, she'll talk to us again." Colin rubbed his eyes. He looked stressed and tired, something quite unusual for him. Bradley wondered how much exactly it bothered Colin that Katie wasn't talking to him. That demanded getting Colin drunk and interrogating him. Some time. Over all this Bradley had forgotten his plans to get Colin and Katie together.

"Perhaps you should consider trying to apologize with more than just words?" Anthony looked at the sheet of paper in his hand, as if he hadn't said anything, but was absolutely certain that he had struck a cord with that statement. At least with Colin.

"Giving her flowers or something is a bit lame, don't you think?" said Bradley, looking doubtful.

"It would at least show that you are willing to make a greater effort than just standing in front of her door and letting her slam it in your face for her satisfaction." Colin looked a bit shocked with himself. "Sorry." He rubbed his eyes yet again. "Let's go and think of something."

"No, I'd say each of us thinks of something on our own, or else she'll think you're on my side again. Besides, I screwed things up. Personally I think that once she's forgiven me, she'll forgive you, too, and you won’t have to do anything at all. You should get some sleep." With a purpose and possible success at hand now, the slight slump of the shoulders had disappeared and Bradley strode out of the hall brightly. Colin turned to Tony.

"Well, if he sticks to flowers or something else simple, he can't do much wrong, can he?"

Tony gave him an amused look and shook his head. As he passed Richard on the way out, he asked him: "Were we that complicated when we were young?" to which Richard only shook his head with his eyebrow performing the 'I disapprove'-look. Tony grinned. Young people were so much fun.

  
Colin had had about three hours of peace and quiet, though without sleep, before Bradley came into his room with a grin on his face.

"So, she didn't slam the door in my face."

"Did she accept the apology?"

"Well, she didn't exactly say."

"Did she say anything?"

"No, but she didn't slam the door in my face. I'm one step closer to my goal."

"Or maybe she's just tired of hating you and has decided to ignore you from now on. Not sure that's better."

"Come on, Colin. I was feeling relieved there for a moment." Colin laughed at the look on Bradley's face, which was a pretty good representation of a child having had its sweets taken away.

"Well, we'll just have to wait and see how she'll treat us tomorrow," Bradley said while throwing himself down on the bed. "Movie?"

"Didn't you tell me about three hours ago that I should go and get some sleep?"

"Yes, but you didn't sleep the last three hours, so it's very unlikely you will now."

"Your logic is beyond me."

"No, you're just weird. Any normal person would understand my logic."

"I very much doubt that," said Colin mockingly, which earned him a pillow in the face, which in turn earned Bradley a well-aimed kick against his shin and ended in a full-blown pillow/limbs-fight, from which Bradley emerged the winner.

"I get to pick the movie." Colin sighed. If Bradley didn't pick something Colin had already seen, then he usually picked something that was even worse than anything Colin had ever seen. He has watched some horrible movies since knowing Bradley. Tonight, Colin wasn't faring any better. Bradley had found a truly gruesome 1950's trashfilm on TV, something only Bradley could ever find. At least it was in English this time.

  
He came up with the idea at three in the morning, after waking up from a strange dream full of 1950's slime monsters, in black and white, trying to play chess with him. He knew his idea was cheesy and possibly too much, but he was also sure that it was a lot better than just a bunch of flowers. He started his laptop, waited, clicked and cursed and shut down his laptop again. The one time he wanted to have internet, he found himself in a hotel which turned their wireless connection off over-night. He went back to the 1950's monsters, except now they were playing polo riding on puppies.

He woke up slightly disgruntled and way too early. Trying to go back to sleep was utterly pointless and would have probably resulted in more slime monsters playing yet another stupid sport. He took a long time in the shower and got dressed. But instead of going down to breakfast, he sat down in front of his laptop again. He still had an hour until his call and he wanted to get this done today. Once his laptop was running, he opened the Google pictures site and typed 'cute puppies'.

  
When Katie entered the dressing room the next day, she found a little white book lying on top of the small table next to her dresses, a post-it stuck to the front that read 'For Katie'. She looked up and turned a surprised face towards Steph.

"Who left this here?"

"Colin," said Steph, incapable of hiding her excited grin. "Sorry, I peaked, but it's adorable."

Katie blushed. She hadn't actually meant to kick Colin that day in Bradley's bedroom. Her anger at that moment had blinded her thinking, and she knew she had lashed out irrationally. She hadn't talked to Colin more out of shame than anger, really, and now he had made her present. It couldn't actually get more embarrassing. And it couldn't actually get more endearing.  
Except it did, when she opened the book and was faced by picture after picture of adorable, tiny puppies. Katie sat down, feeling slightly high, her cheeks now permanently red. Steph came to stand beside her and look over her shoulder, and even Kimmy joined in the 'ooooing' and 'aaawing'. The last photo had a caption in it, reading 'Sorry', which drew the longest 'aaaaaaw' yet from Steph and Kimmy, but left Katie completely silent.

"He likes you," said Kimmy with a huge smile, turning away towards the dresses to pick out the one Katie had to wear today.

"We're friends," said Katie, a little too defensively.

"He LIKES you," agreed Steph and giggled, and Katie could say no more. She made to shut the book and store it away as far as possible, so that none of the other team members would see it and come to the same conclusion as the two dressers. Between the last page and the back cover there was another picture, though, and a letter. The picture was of Bradley, standing proudly in a football outfit, hands on hips and grinning into the camera. Katie unfolded the letter, checking that Steph and Kimmy were occupied.

 _Katie,_

Again I'm sorry that your photo got ruined. I know this is only a small reparation as these puppies aren't yours, but even if they aren't comforting enough, the book itself is heavy enough to throw at Bradley should you want to.

And as a revenge I thought you might want to write your own caption beside this ridiculous photo of Bradley, which I acquired (read: stole) with great risk to my own life. I was thinking along the lines of 'I pooped in your front garden'. But I leave that open to you.

Love, Col

PS: I'm pretty sure he's got another copy of this photo, so get wild.

  
Katie couldn't help beaming. She had to show this to Angel and then discuss whether 'I pooped in your front garden' was good enough.

Once she was dressed, it was no big feat to find Angel, who was absolutely over the moon about the book, and not at all interested in Bradley's photo.

"God, I wish a man would do that sort of thing for me," was her first reaction.

"Don't you start as well. Colin and I are just friends."

"Yeah, keep telling that yourself."

"Angel." Katie rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help noticing her own heart making a big leap up into her throat.

"Katie. A friend, a buddy gives you flowers and/or chocolate. See Bradley. This," she tapped the book twice and smiled knowingly, "is the sort of thing someone does who likes you a lot, really a lot. I mean, it could be that this is just Colin being his adorable self and he always does this sort of thing for friends, but honestly? I highly doubt that."

"I'm with Angel. Go get him, tigress," chimed Steph in, who had just moved in to perform some finishing touches on the dresses.

"Steph, would you mind screaming it all around the courtyard? I think the tourists over there in the corner didn't hear you. They're still too fascinated with the toilet signs." The heavy sarcasm in her voice did nothing to help her, however. Angel and Steph just giggled.

"No, screaming it across courtyards is not the correct way to get rumours going, you should know that Katie. Quiet but quick, that's the way. I gotta go tell Liz about this." Angel practically skipped away like a happy little schoolgirl, and all Katie could do was yell after her and wave her arms, while Steph made sure she stayed put.  
"Oh god. Just please, Steph, don't try to bring me and Colin together. That's just going to end in embarrassment, ok? Please, I'm begging you." Katie got out her best puppy eyes.

"Spoilsport," said Steph disappointed.

“Oh, I’ve always been the little brainy school terror who told on everyone and spoiled the fun. The teachers loved me.” Katie smirked, threw back her hair and stalked off. Steph laughed and threw a fake apple after her. She missed her by a mile.

  
His long fingers were contorted, twisted and strained, and quite frankly starting to hurt, as he failed to open the shoelaces that had got knotted up so bad and dragged through mud so often that they looked like some animal’s intestines had decided to do a jig dance and turned on the spot a few times too often. He made a small grunting noise out of frustration and flexed his fingers before going for another attack.

“Col?” He jumped up, the chair slid back a bit and the shoe fell to the ground. His cheeks turned pink . . . -ish. He turned towards her, standing by the door.

“Katie. Ha...hi.”

She smiled in response, her eyes shining. “How did you do that?” She pointed at his shoe.

“I think it was Bradley. He’s running out of prank ideas.” He bent to pick it up, turned it over in his hand uncertainly. “Mind you, he’s kinda got me with this one.”

“Let me.” She grabbed the shoe without waiting for an answer.

“Careful.” Katie looked at him questioningly. “Your..your dress.” Katie shrugged it off and started working on the laces.

“’m done for the day, and Steph said she needs to wash it anyway.” She drew her eyebrows together in concentration, producing wrinkles that actually looked cute. ‘Stop it, Colin!’ He coughed and looked away in embarrassment, as if Katie could have heard his thoughts.

“Ha, done.”

“Wow.” He held the shoe up, admiring the undone laces. They looked like snakes now. ‘Well, dead snakes hanging from a nail.’

“Fingernails.” She waved them in front of his face.

“Yeah, that is a distinct feature I am lacking.” The shoe made a ‘plopp’ sound when it fell to the ground, and even though Colin’s hands were now completely free he wasn’t quite sure what to do with them. He was a bit shocked.

After a moment’s internal discussion, he decided the safest action would be to put one hand on her back, sort of middle-ish. When Katie hugged him even closer after that, his left hand moved out of its own volition and joined his right in the small of her back. He had to restrain himself from burying his face in her neck.

“I’m sorry I ignored you. You didn’t deserve that.” she mumbled into his shoulder. He swallowed nervously and breathed rather heavily, drawing in her scent.

“Don’, don’...don’t worry about that.” And then they said nothing and Colin closed his eyes, and if he let Katie play with the hair in the nape of his neck it was only due to lack of sleep and thus befuddlement of brain.

Had Angel looked instead of fumbling with her iPod she would have quietly walked on. She didn’t and she nearly said ‘Shit’ in the middle of asking Colin whether he wanted to come have a drink with them later on, seeing them jump apart. Katie said ‘yes’ without having been asked and Colin said ‘no’ while picking up the shoe again. He threw a quick glance at Katie and then averted his eyes, unconsciously scratching his neck where her hand had been and trying to tell himself it was for the best.

“Well, I’m gonna go get out of this dress.” She walked quite briskly out of the room. Angel tugged away the iPod and went up to Colin, who’d turned his back on the door.

“Sure you don’t want to come?”

“Yeah, yeah. I, I need to catch up some, some, some sleep.” He started packing his bag, ready to go back to the hotel.

“You know, she likes you a lot.” She put her hand on his shoulder, as if she were a father giving his son advice. Colin barely acknowledged it and Angel left, running after Katie. When she’d caught up with her the ‘Shit!’ came from Katie’s mouth.

Colin ended up spending the evening playing cards with a knowing Richard, which turned out to be quite annoying after an hour or so. As if to prove his point he went to bed early, falling asleep feeling guilty and still horny, despite jacking off in the shower.

  
  
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[part 3](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/54571.html#cutid1)


	3. </strong> To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (3/4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gets her and she gets him, except they somehow don’t get each other. Broken hearts, broken pride and minds dominating over feelings stand between them. Climbing and being pushed over those obstacles takes time and needs some help from their friends.

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[fanfiction](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/fanfiction), [merlin](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/merlin), [writings](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/writings)  
  
  
---|---  
  
**Author:** leviathans_moon

 **Title:** To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (3/4)

 **Pairing:** Katie/Colin

 **Rating:** M

 **Warning:** domestic violence.

 **Wordcount:** +24k

 **Summary:** He gets her and she gets him, except they somehow don’t get each other. Broken hearts, broken pride and minds dominating over feelings stand between them. Climbing and being pushed over those obstacles takes time and needs some help from their friends.

 **Comment:** Masterpost is [here](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/55147.html), where you can also find the lovely, lovely header made by [](http://spikessire.livejournal.com/profile)[**spikessire**](http://spikessire.livejournal.com/) . The divider is also made by her. Please make sure to drop her a comment in here or in her journal. I think she did a fantastic job, and it was absolute fun working with her. Thank you so much*-*. She also helped me find some songs for the fanmix. As did [](http://farosdaughter.livejournal.com/profile)[**farosdaughter**](http://farosdaughter.livejournal.com/) , who also took up the challenge to beta-read this monster and did a brilliant job of it. Thank you so much for that, you have helped me so much. *hugs*

Also thank you to [](http://rei17.livejournal.com/profile)[**rei17**](http://rei17.livejournal.com/) for various evenings of plotting together, so much fun, and the occasional motivational push *hugs*, to [](http://schwarze-elster.livejournal.com/profile)[**schwarze_elster**](http://schwarze-elster.livejournal.com/) for long discussions about this story while sitting in various pubs in Cardiff and the pointing out of the bookshop (it's real!!! not made up), to [](http://tsutsumi.livejournal.com/profile)[**tsutsumi**](http://tsutsumi.livejournal.com/) for the lines concerning the dog and Bradley, and to [](http://hope-calaris.livejournal.com/profile)[**hope_calaris**](http://hope-calaris.livejournal.com/) for motivation and pushing. Only one of them is somewhat active in Merlin fandom, but never mind that*g*. They're my writing buddies and they're awesome. And now enjoy^^.

 _  
**Fic: To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (3/4)**   
_

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She stood defiantly at the head of the table in the throne room, listening to the director who briefed her on the scenes for tomorrow morning. Her hands were on her hips, a pose that maybe looked too aggressive, but that was the only way she could hide her shaking hands. She just wanted to get away. As quickly as possible. Her eyes shifted away, looking over to the others, checking whether they'd noticed anything. It was difficult to judge, but she thought they hadn't.

  
The script had said a slap, but the director had found it too harsh and instead decided to let Uther clutch Morgana's throat. She didn't really understand how that was less harsh, but she wasn't going to argue with the director and seem like a bitch. And she certainly wasn't going to say she wouldn't do it and seem like a diva. She was over the whole thing with Chad, just a bad memory of a bad guy that didn't affect her at all anymore.

  
The instant Anthony grabbed her throat, she was back in her apartment being slammed against the wall by the man she used to love. First take, she had been so shocked, she'd forgotten her lines. Anthony had narrowed his eyes, but she had smiled at him and had received a smile in return.

  
The scene took way too long, one or the other messed up, mostly Katie, and the crew's looks turned increasingly worried and questioning. Katie didn't have to act the discomfort and fear and shock anymore. It was all right there bubbling at the surface, easy to reach and so damn difficult to suppress. During the last take, she felt her throat tightening dangerously and her eyes started to sting, and that did it for the director. They were done, and Katie was exhausted and wanted to run and hide.

  
The director let her go fairly quickly, probably sensing that she wasn't really listening anyway. She could only concentrate on getting to her hotel room without breaking down. She rushed off the set, not looking at anyone. She had to get to the hotel and curl up on her bed and watch bad TV and not think about it. She had to stop thinking about it. She nearly ran into Colin when she wanted to enter the dressing room.

  
"Oh hi, are you guys done?" he asked, still in his English accent, which took Katie aback a bit.

  
"Uhm, yeah... yeah, we're done. Sorry, gotta get out of this dress." She slipped past Colin, who looked after her with a frown, but didn't ask. Instead, he asked Bradley.

  
"I think she's just a bit stressed out, difficult scene, with Tony grabbing her throat and stuff." Bradley shrugged, and Colin more or less forgot about it, until they left Camelot and entered Cardiff, being driven to the hotel, all four young actors in the same car, and Katie, who usually loves to spend the time chatting, was silently staring out of the window. Bradley filled the silence with a weird story about football that no one was really listening to, which didn't exactly bother him. He knew he could retell the story another time and everyone would laugh. Today, the focus was on Katie, as inconspicuous as possible, of course, and Bradley asked himself whether Tony did grab her throat a bit too harshly. Arriving at the hotel, Katie was the first to get out.

  
"Good night guys," she said, even though it was only 7 in the evening, and disappeared inside. Three dumbfounded people plus a very confused driver looked after her.

  
"Did you guys have a fight?" asked the driver, whose name Colin could never remember. It was something similar to Killian, but it wasn't Killian.

  
"No, we didn't. She just had a bad day. Goodbye." Angel climbed out of her seat and waved. The boys followed, raising their hands in greeting as well.

  
"We should probably do something. Try to cheer her up," suggested Bradley, a bit helplessly.

  
"Movie and pizza and ice cream. The usual, I would say," said Angel, looking from Bradley to Colin and back.

  
"Sounds like a plan."

  
"No." Bradley and Angel's faces fell. They stared at Colin.

  
"Don't you think that Katie is the sort of person who would ask if she wanted to have company? I think she rather looked like someone who wanted to get away from everybody else as quickly as possible. I don't think she would want movie, pizza, ice cream and us. We should just leave her alone." Colin shouldered his bag and left them standing there.

  
"How is it he can make me feel like I've done something wrong so easily?" asked Bradley with a voice that sounded a bit whiny. Not that he would admit that.

  
"Simply because he’s right. Come on, we can still do movie, pizza and ice cream." Angel tugged at his arm, and Bradley followed like a moping child.

  
"I get to pick the movie."

  
"No, Bradley, just no." Bradley's full-blown laughter echoed throughout the entrance lounge of their hotel.

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"No Mom, I'm fine. It's just... something's wrong with Katie. Just a bit worried." Colin was lying on the bed, his feet hanging over the edge, eyes closed. His mother had called to complain about her obnoxious husband. His dad had, yet again, paid money for something they didn't need and couldn't afford. A drivable lawn mower was a bit too luxurious, especially since their lawn all in all covered just about 40 square metres. So his mother had kicked him out and threatened to never let him back into the house unless he took that ridiculous thing back or sold it. His dad had been gone for three hours now, and his mother was getting angrier by the minute, which, of course, meant she was getting more worried by the minute. Having a rant about it usually helped. And since her oldest could be as obnoxious as her husband (their equal suffering was possibly the reason why her daughter-in-law and her got along so well), she had to turn to her youngest for letting off steam. Which she had for about five minutes, before sensing that her youngest wasn't in the best of moods, or else he would have laughed about his father's antics and his mother's frustration.

  
"Did you ask her what's wrong?"

  
"No, but she didn't look like she wanted to tell anyone anyway. Maybe it's nothing. She might just need a bit of space. We've been working non-stop, only the weekends for free-time."

  
"And I bet having Bradley James around 24/7 can be exhausting," said his mother. Colin laughed.

  
"He's not that bad, Mum. You haven't even met him yet."

  
"Don't need to, love, don't need to." Colin laughed again. "Talking to him on the phone twice was enough."

  
"I swear I tried to get the phone back from... oh, hang on, Mum, there was a knock at my door." He got up from the bed and moved towards the door.

  
"If it's Katie just hang up, I can call you back tomorrow. If it's Bradley, don't let him get the phone."

  
"Mom!" said Colin, and he might have giggled, had he not at that moment opened the door and found Katie standing in front of him, smiling.

  
"Gotta go," he said quickly and hung up.

  
"Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just wondering, if you want to watch a movie or something," Katie said, still smiling, but this time Colin didn't even try to look convinced by that smile. He nodded, stepped aside and let her in before asking:

  
"Katie, what's wrong?"

  
"Nothing. I just wanted to..," she noticed his rather scrutinizing look, "I don't actually want to talk about it. Is that alright?"

  
Colin's shoulders sagged a bit and his eyes turned sad, but he nodded. "Alright. But I don't really have any movies here. Bradley's the one carrying around his entire DVD collection."

  
Katie turned halfway and pointed at the TV. "We could just turn the box on. Just watch something."

"Oh, I didn't know you could understand French." It was supposed to be funny, it was supposed to lighten up the mood, but Colin himself heard the sinister sarcasm in his voice, a sarcasm that had nothing to do with joking and everything with judging. He cursed under his breath.

  
"Katie, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's your right to not tell anyone. It's just..," Colin hesitated, thinking he shouldn't go on talking. 'Just go and grab the remote control.'

  
"What?" Katie wasn't angry, and she wasn't trying to hide her sadness behind anger or dismissing cheerfulness.

  
"You never talk about anything that's really important." He rushed the sentence, slightly nervous about her reaction. He started fiddling with his shirt cuffs again.

  
"Yeah, I know," she said after a short silence. "But neither do you, Col." The fiddling stopped. He smiled involuntarily, knowing she was right, and also knowing now that she was watching him as closely as he was watching her.

  
"Then maybe we should both talk." His voice was very quiet now. He was suggesting something he wasn't sure he really wanted to do. He simply didn't talk. It's always been that way. He made jokes, he hid, but he didn't talk about it. Whatever it was, as long as it was too personal, he locked it away.

  
"Maybe. But not today. Please." She leaned against the wall; eyes closed, and didn't know what to do.

  
"Okay." Colin took a step towards her. He reached out to her instinctively, to give her comfort, to show he understood. His fingers brushed against hers. "Let's watch TV."

  
Katie tightened her fingers around his. Her eyes were still closed. This was what she had come for, having someone there. Someone to hold on to. Colin stepped even closer and wrapped his left arm around her shoulders. It only took Katie a second to hug him back, quickly closing the gap, and her grip was so tight, Colin could feel her desperation. He smelled the mango scented shampoo she always used. He smelled her make-up which she hadn’t bothered to wipe away properly after the shoot. He smelled her beneath all that, a sweet smell of lavender, mixed with something minty and spicy, but soothing and soft. He could drown in it. He wanted to drown in it. His right hand left her hand and settled in her hair, trying to pull her even closer. Her left arm snaked around his waist, while her right one remained on his upper back; and he relished her warmth.

  
And then it was only a few seconds more before Katie’s back was against the wall again and Colin cupped her face and kissed her. It was a careful touch with his lips, almost as if he was ready to pull back in case Katie decided to bite. Instead, Katie tightened her hold on his shirt, crumpling it in the back. She kissed him back, not as careful as he, and again Colin sensed her desperation. It reflected in him. He pushed his tongue forward through his slightly parted lips, trying to hold back on his eagerness. It was difficult when the other person was radiating longing and need. Katie immediately opened her lips when she felt his tongue licking at them.

  
While he let his tongue play with hers and wander over her teeth, her left hand moved downwards to his arse, gripping tight, pressing him closer. Colin didn’t moan, but the increase of pressure on her lips showed her that he approved. She’d known he would be quiet, and it sent a shiver of lust down her spine. One hand crawled under his shirt and he instinctively leaned into the touch. She stroked down his back softly with her fingernails. It was his turn to shiver and be desperate. His kissing grew wilder and he slipped one leg between her thighs, moving his hips teasingly.

  
It was Katie who took the initiative to move towards the bed. Colin stumbled once on the way and had to let her go. She used the moment to take off her shirt. She ungracefully threw it to the ground and started pulling at his shirt, but forgot about it when Colin brought his lips to her neck. He kissed along her main artery, before nibbling at her jaw line. A sigh escaped Katie’s lips and she blushed. The move to the bed had brought back Colin’s gentleness. He softly nibbled at her lower lip, one hand in her hair and the other resting on her hip. The kiss was slow and intoxicating. Katie started to feel high, like she was floating and Colin was the station that connected her with everything she wanted to go back to once she came back down. She stumbled slightly, stunned, and Colin took it as a sign to start moving again. Slowly now they covered the rest of the way to the bed. Colin sat down on it, Katie straddled his lap and took off his shirt in one swift movement, which left his hair in even more of a mess than it had already been in.

  
Colin brought one hand under the strap of Katie’s black bra, teasing at first, but when Katie arched into the touch, he slid the strap from her shoulders and lowered his mouth to her breast. He circled her nipple with the tip of his tongue for a long time. Only when he felt Katie growing more and more impatient did he suck it into his mouth. Katie gasped and ground down her hips. Colin’s hips jerked upwards and she could feel him through his jeans. Colin lifted her gently but quickly and changed their position. Katie sank into the mattress and wrapped her legs around Colin’s hips once he’d settled in between them. She started opening his jeans, the desperate eagerness back. Colin’s mouth moved along her collarbone and his right hand was cupping her breast. His thumb flicked over her nipple, and Katie arched into him.

  
“Col.” Katie tugged at his hair and slid the other hand inside his boxers over his arse.

  
“Katie.”

  
And that was the moment Colin’s brain started working again and he sat up suddenly. “Shit!”

  
“What?” asked Katie confused, leaning up on her elbows. “Colin, what’s wrong?”

  
“Nothing.” Colin shook his head, more to clear it than to underline his negative statement. “We shouldn’t do this, we really, really shouldn’t do this.” Colin did up his jeans and made to grab for his shirt, but Katie put her hand around his wrist.

  
“Colin, what are you talking about?” Her eyes reflected a hurt ego.

  
“We’re working together.” An expression of ‘so what’ flicked across Katie’s face for a second. “And you came here distressed by something, and I don’t really know what it is, but… it’s just.. I’m sorry, we really shouldn’t.” Colin gently twisted his wrist free, took up his shirt and left the room, knowing it was his own.

  


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“Okay, either you had a massive fight, even worse than the whole thing with the picture, or you had sex, or you almost had sex, but one of you broke it off.” Bradley had cornered him where he couldn’t escape. In the Gents. It had taken Bradley, and indeed everyone else, nearly a week to come up to him and ask what was going on. It wasn’t like they couldn’t have noticed. Colin blushed furiously every time he crossed paths with Katie, whereas she walked past him with eyes downcast. They barely talked aside from scene discussions and even those were immensely awkward and their principle came to be: ‘It’ll be fine. Let’s just go for it.’ Most of the crew had started to behave suspiciously polite and distant around them; they sensed that something was going on. It seemed like Bradley had been sent to investigate.

  
“Yes.” Colin didn’t exactly want to elaborate, hoping that knowing it was one of the three should be enough for Bradley. Which it never would be.

  
“Which one?” asked Bradley, trying to make it sound nonchalant, and totally failing. Colin flushed and stepped away from the urinal.

  
“The last one.” He moved away from Bradley towards the sinks to wash his hands. Bradley now had to stop pretending to pee, not even bothering to flush or wash his hands.

  
“Which one?”

  
“You just asked that.”

  
“No, I mean which one broke it off?”

  
“That’s ‘who’, Bradley. ‘Who’ broke it off.” Colin wiped his hands dry and left Bradley sulking.

  
“Yeah, alright smart arse, now answer the stupid question.” Bradley prodded Colin’s arm repeatedly, who tried to swat his finger away like an annoying fly.

  
“Stop it.”

  
“Tell me.”

  
“Will you stop bothering me then for the rest of my life?”

  
“If you so wish, I shall try.” Bradley grinned and continued prodding. Colin shook his head in mock desperation. “Now tell me.”

  
“Me.” Bradley stopped in his tracks.

  
“Why?”

  
“None of your business.”

  
“Colin, seriously, why? It’s kind of obvious that you’re into her.” That stopped Colin in his tracks.

  
“What?”

  
“Come on, everyone on set is in on the bet when you two will finally get together. You must have noticed that we all noticed. The chemistry between you two off set is even better than the one between us on set. Everyone with eyes can see that you’re into her and she’s into you. Totally into you.” Bradley’s tone suggested that Colin must be utterly stupid to not have noticed all that.

  
“There are bets going on?”

  
“Honestly Colin, that’s the least important bit of information. Of course, there are bets, what did you think? There are also bets running about Angel and me and about Richard and Anthony and about me and you, though I don’t think that one was meant seriously.” Colin stared at Bradley like a transfixed baby stares at a mother who is making funny faces. Bradley dropped the silly façade and asked in a quiet voice:

  
“Colin, what happened?”

  
Colin crossed his arms over his chest and hung his head a little.

  
“She came to my room. She was distressed. I don’t know what happened, she didn’t want to talk about it. She was just looking for comfort. That was all, and then it sort of happened.” He shrugged.

  
“And you stopped it, why? If she wanted comfort, why not give it to her?”

  
“Sometimes Bradley, the thought that you might actually be a decent person creeps into my mind, but then you go and say things like that and I realize how stupid I am to think you could be a decent person.”

  
“You know, Colin, when you say things like that with that neutral tone I’m never quite sure whether you’re being sarcastic or whether you mean what you say.”

  
“I meant it.” And since Colin didn’t avert his eyes or start to grin, Bradley believed him.

  
“Cheers, mate.” It didn’t sound like Colin was much of a mate for him at the moment. “You know, you’re stupid. You absolutely blew it. Katie probably feels rejected now and worse than before she came to you to look for ‘comfort’. Maybe for some people, sex is the only comfort they want to have. You ever thought about that?”

  
“And maybe, being sexually objectified and used is one of the worst things for other people. You ever thought about that?”

  
Bradley’s eyes widened almost comically, and an onlooker would have probably laughed. “Shit, Colin, were you abused as a child?”

  
“No.” Colin looked at him incredulously. Immediately assuming the worst was somewhat typical of Bradley.

  
“You swear?”

  
“Honestly, Bradley, I wasn’t. I just don’t feel comfortable with sex where one of the participants is used by the other for something, doesn’t matter if it’s just getting off quickly or wanting to forget something or wanting to be comforted. It’s using and throwing away, basically. And I don’t want that.” Colin shrugged his shoulders again. He looked lost and small.

  
Bradley will have to have a word with Katie. Set things right. Or maybe he should send Angel.

  
“Okay.” Bradley didn’t ask whether Colin had stopped because he felt like he was using Katie or the other way around. He thought he knew anyway.

  
Angel crossed paths with Bradley in the lounge later that evening and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck to pull him out of the way towards the general direction of a secluded corner.

  
“Seriously Bradley, Colin just left her there lying on the bed, half naked. You gotta ask him why.” She whispered and glared at Bradley like it was his fault that Katie was apparently suffering from the worst disease imaginable or something.

  
“I already did.”

  
“Well?” The way Angel looked Bradley thought she’d yell at Colin should he come into the lounge right this moment, and that was quite something.

  
“He told me he doesn’t feel comfortable with sex during which one person is used by the other.” This time Bradley whispered.

  
Angel lost her drive. Bradley just nodded.

  
“He... uhm... that’s actually kind of... noble?”

  
“Or self-preservation.” Bradley looked at her meaningfully.

  
“Self-preservation?” Angel’s confused expression changed into a pitiful one. “Oh no. Poor Colin.”

  
“Don’t you start, too.” Bradley rolled his eyes. He being ignored while Colin was being fussed over by everyone had apparently left its marks. Or at least he’d like to make it obvious that he suffered from it.

  
“Oh stop it. I’m serious. Why would he say something like that if there wasn’t a reason?”

  
“He wasn’t abused. I asked.”

  
Now Angel rolled her eyes at Bradley. “God, Bradley, you have no tact at all.”

  
“I was shocked. It slipped out.”

  
“Alright, what are we going to do?”

  
“We’re not doing anything. They’ll have to work it out themselves.” Bradley went towards the lift, not waiting to see whether Angel followed him. She did, with an exasperated air about herself.

  
“And why not? They’ve been sulking and ignoring each other for a week. We need to do something.”

  
“Colin will kill me if I get involved, and I actually like my life.”

  
“So what, Katie will kill me. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get involved. You know how they are.”

  
“Angel?”

  
“What?”

  
“Leave it, seriously. Let them do it themselves.” He entered the lift. Angel didn’t follow. “They just need time.”

  
The door slid shut, and Angel was amazed that Bradley had indeed got something adult-like in him. He was definitely spending too much time with Colin. She was surprised enough that she might actually heed to his words and not get involved.

  


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The awkward behaviour didn’t dissipate over the next few weeks, the last weeks of shooting before their well-deserved break and the start of promotional trips through all and any TV channels. They worked like usual, being professional enough. But Colin noticed meaningful glances passing between crew members, whenever he and Katie broke apart after a scene together. They greeted each other in the halls, and they automatically sat near each other during lunch, because Angel and Bradley stuck together.

  
Angel had told Katie about what Bradley had said, and sometimes tried to convince her to go up to Colin and talk to him. Katie never did and Angel assumed it was because Colin had hurt Katie’s pride. In truth, Katie was scared of being rejected again. She’d left Colin’s room that night feeling like there was a big hole inside her that she had yet to fill up again completely. But she knew he was right. They worked together, and in a way she had used him that night, even if she wouldn’t have left it at that one night. She felt the longing for him; for him, not for the sex with him. She tended more and more to hole herself up in her hotel room, claiming to be tired from work or having other things to do. She didn’t know that Colin did the same and that Bradley and Angel dragged knights and maids out to pubs for company. Bradley became considerably grumpier over the time, but to Katie’s surprise he did not seem to intervene in any way.

  
Katie was aware that the general atmosphere on set was suffering because of them, proving Colin right: acting colleagues should never get involved with each other as long as they were on the same job. And as long as it was obvious that Colin was right, he would reject her. Therefore Katie didn’t even try and just counted the days until they would go their separate ways for a while. A second series had not been confirmed yet. Maybe...

  
The last day everyone who didn’t have to work anymore joined the rest of the crew anyway and watched as the last scene was shot. It was a rather emotional scene on Colin’s side as Merlin said goodbye to Arthur, thinking he wouldn’t return from the Isle of the Blessed. Having the entire crew standing behind the camera watching was not going to make it easier, but Colin was good and only needed three takes, and the first one didn’t count. He had caught Katie looking at him with an odd expression and forgotten his words for a second. He needed a minute to stop thinking about her expression and concentrate on the scene. He wondered whether it was admiration or something else, something that would make his heart jump even higher than it already had.

  
Doing Bradley’s close-up shots and the wide shots took a bit longer. He seemed to be a bit affected by the big crowd and the thought that the first season and possibly this job would be over after this scene. Everyone was a little unsettled and impatiently waiting for the end, so that they could go and party. A banquet hall had been rented to fit the entire crew in and celebrate the successful filming and wishing each other good luck that it would be a success. A lot of that success rested on Colin, and he intended to get majorly drunk tonight to forget the burden, to forget the horrible situation with Katie and to go out of this with a bang. He wanted to remember this as something big, even if it didn’t succeed with the audience. Having a great party was part of that and he and Bradley had already discussed a little drinking game. They would have to completely empty whatever was left in their glasses whenever the DJ played an 80s song. The evening promised to be good and end with vomiting.

  
It started well enough. Both of them had just gone and grabbed a rum and coke and taking the first sip after clanking their glasses together with a shout for Merlin, when the DJ started playing ‘Karma Chameleon’ by Culture Club. Bradley choked on his drink and coughed and Colin just grinned with a slightly mental look in his eyes.

  
“Cheers, mate.”

  
Bradley only grinned and downed his drink. Colin followed suit. They soon found out that they had chosen the wrong decade. People cheered whenever an 80s song was played, but only few danced during songs from the 90s. Colin being the lightweight that he was, it only took him three songs to become too drunk to stop himself from saying anything that came on his mind. Which is why, half an hour later, half the crew had heard from his lips that Katie looked really beautiful tonight and half the crew had looked at him sympathetically. By the time the fourth 80s song was played, Colin had cleverly screwed the drinking game and retreated into a corner with a coffee. He just stared out on to the designated dance floor, trying hard, and failing, to ignore Katie moving around on it.

  
He only noticed Bradley flopping down next to him when he in that process spilled half his drink over Colin’s jeans.

  
“Ooops, sorry. Wait I’ll go get some.. something.” Bradley made to stand up again, but Colin stopped him by his arm and pulled him back down.

  
“Don’t worry about it,” he said tiredly. They sat in silence for a while, letting the lights and bodies pass them by. Bradley gradually emptied his glass completely, more often than not tapping against it with his fingernails, though the sound barely reached Colin’s ears over the music.

  
“You could go dance with her, you know,” said Bradley after downing the last few drops of his cocktail. “See whether she wants to or not.”

  
“You know I was actually hoping that you’d survive this evening without mentioning it as well. But you’re drunk, and I’m drunk, so I forgive you.” Colin leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. The coffee had gone cold by now. He was just holding onto the cup now to have something to do.

  
“How could I not mention it when you’ve been staring at her for the last thirty minutes?” Bradley turned his head towards Colin. “At least.”

  
Colin opened his eyes and searched for the green dress that was Katie’s. “I can’t help it.” And Bradley realized with a pang that Colin sounded desperate. He got up, clonked his glass down on the table to his right, and reached for Colin’s arm.

  
“Come on, you’re coming with me now onto the dance floor.”

  
“Bradley, no.” Colin struggled, though in his state he wasn’t capable of much, and Bradley being nearly twice the size of Colin was quite capable of ignoring the latter’s feeble attempts to escape.

  
“Bradley, please. It’s not fair. I’m drunk,” whined Colin in a slightly undignified manner.

  
“You sound sober enough to me. Just one dance. Talk to her.”

  
Somebody must have seen them struggling and realized what Bradley was planning and had run up to the DJ, because the song that was running was unceremoniously interrupted and “The Power of Love” suddenly started to play. Katie stopped dancing abruptly and then looked like she wanted to leave the dance floor as quickly as possible. Bradley pulled a bit stronger on Colin’s arm and pushed him in Katie’s way. Her eyes widened in surprise and she instinctively took a step back. Right arm over her shoulders and left arm over his, Bradley guided them together and said with a mischievous grin: “Now dance!”

  
He put Colin’s arm around Katie’s waist and her hands on his shoulder and left them standing there, quite sure that Colin, being the gentleman he is, would not just dump her and leave.

  
Katie looked away over Colin’s shoulder, but she started to shuffle her feet a bit. Colin awkwardly moved with her, looking at their feet. They shuffled along the dance floor like that for about half of the song, until Colin fought the butterflies and planes in his stomach down and leaned in to whisper in Katie’s ear.

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
She turned her head towards him, though she still didn’t look in his eyes.

  
“I understand.” His hand tightened at her waist momentarily and for a second Katie moved closer by an inch, but she realized what she was doing and moved back into her old position, eyes staring away over his shoulders again. Colin had to force himself not to bury his nose in her hair. The smell of mango reached him and he closed his eyes, only to open them again abruptly and shake his head slightly. The song was ringing in his ear, too drunk to clear his brain. Her moving body beneath the soft cotton of her dress was the most enticing. He had to get away. The song was near the end, he’d heard it often enough to know that. He took his hand from her waist and let them hang by his side, but she kept her hands resting on his shoulders. She moved to look into his face.

  
“Can we forget everything? Can we just say it never happened?” asked Katie, and he thought he saw fear in her eyes. Fear of what? His throat tightened and he didn’t want to answer her, because there was only one answer he could give her. He cleared his throat.

  
“Yeah.” And more to convince himself than her, he added: “Sure.”

  
She lowered her head and her hands slid slowly from his shoulders.

  
“Thanks.” They stood there, not really looking at each other, neither wanting to leave first. The song ended and the DJ was apparently going mental with 80s power ballads now, as the first notes of ‘The Time of My Life’ began to sound around the hall. A small smile crept across Colin’s face and he shook his head at the DJ’s choice of music. And then he remembered again where he was and what he was doing. He sighed and looked at her looking at their shoes, not knowing what to do either. Out of the corner of his eye he could make out Bradley standing at the bar, gesticulating wildly. Colin shook his head only for a fraction of a second, but Bradley saw it and dropped his flying arms. Colin sighed again, and leaned down and kissed Katie on the cheek. She almost didn’t react at all.

  
“Goodnight, Katie.” He moved two steps backwards before turning around and walking towards the entrance. He didn’t hear her “’night, Col”.

  
Colin had been gone from the party for two minutes only, when his mobile beeped.

  
If you want to get drunk and watch porn and then pass out on the couch sometime over the next few days, shout. B.

  
Colin would have laughed, because Bradley reminded him of Sam so much, except that that also reminded him of Linda, which didn’t exactly improve his mood, though through no fault of Bradley’s. So he just put his phone back in his jeans pocket and walked on.

  


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He woke up the next morning, completely forgetting about the night before, thanks to him waking up too late and having to rush to catch the train to London that he was supposed to be on. He made it running, basically throwing himself in after his suitcase with a growling stomach and pounding head. The train carried few passengers, fortunately and he chose a seat in the corner, sliding down in it and hiding underneath his hat. The Welsh landscape rushed past the window and past him, not being registered. The guard came out of his little cabin to check the tickets and had to tap Colin on the shoulder to get his attention, looking at him a bit longer than necessary and then asking for an autograph, saying he was a big Doctor Who fan. Colin obliged, smiled, wished him a good day and returned to doing nothing except thinking about Katie. He was confused by her scared look when she had asked him to forget everything. Did she think he was angry with her? Or that he wouldn’t have let it go? That he wouldn’t have conformed to her wishes? He could control himself, drown his feelings. He was good at that. If she wanted him to do that, he’d do it.

  
He felt a burning behind his eyes. He scrubbed at them and took a deep breath. ‘Forget it, Colin.’ It would work, if he said it to himself often enough. Grabbing his phone, he dialled his mother’s number. It had been a bit more than two weeks since he last talked to her. She must have something new concerning his father to rant about. He needed some entertainment now.

  
Katie sat in a plane going the other direction, towards Dublin. Towards home. Despite the weather being cloudy and greyish she was wearing sunglasses. Her eyes were so horribly red and puffy, they needed to be hidden. She tried to read a book, but had been reading the same three lines over and over again for the last 30 minutes. She finally decided to close her eyes. That way she could at least pretend that she had fallen asleep while reading. Her neighbour, an elderly woman from America, was throwing intrigued glances into Katie’s direction. Katie was sure if she should show any sign of liveliness that woman would interrogate her about her entire life, or tell Katie about all of her current illnesses and aches. Even though Katie could be very patient and friendly, right now she just didn’t have her mind set for it. She had forgotten to pack her mp3-player into her hand luggage, and just when Bradley had been so nice to put some music on it, especially for this flight, or so he had said.

  
He had come up to her at the end of the evening. Colin had already left over an hour ago, and she had just been getting ready to leave the night behind as well, when he had grabbed her jacket and held it out for her to slip into. Angel, who had been standing beside Katie, had raised her eyebrows in earnest question.

  
“Thanks, Bradders.”

  
“You’re welcome, Keira.” Katie had grinned at him.

  
“You know, he wants you.” Bradley had said, while pulling on his own jacket. Katie had hesitated for a second.

  
“Except, it’s not always as easy as that, Bradley.” She had hugged him, and for a second Bradley had seen her sad eyes and felt for her and wondered what was going wrong. “I expect we’ll see each other soon. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Somehow she always managed to let a bit of lighter mood get back in. That was one of her greatest talents, or at least Bradley had always thought so.

  
“Yes ma’am. Have a safe trip home.” He had smiled, going for reassuring, but his sadness about the situation had shone through, and Katie had noticed.

  
“You too.” Katie had said and turned to go.

  
Angel had stepped up and hit Bradley across the arm.

  
“Whatever happened to us not getting involved?”

  
“Do you honestly expect me to believe that you didn’t?”

  
“Asshole.”

  
“Bitch.”

  
“Call me when you get back to London.” She had kissed him on the cheek.

  
“Of course, I’m planning to show you off.”

  
Katie had laughed from the door where she had been waiting. “Come on, Angel. Let the macho be. The cab’s waiting.”

And maybe Colin did want her, but he was also his reasonable and gentleman-like self, and she was convinced that wasn’t going to change. She just had to live with it. Not seeing him for a while would make it so much easier.

  
She hoped.

  
  
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[part 4](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/54853.html#cutid1)


	4. </strong> To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (4/4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gets her and she gets him, except they somehow don’t get each other. Broken hearts, broken pride and minds dominating over feelings stand between them. Climbing and being pushed over those obstacles takes time and needs some help from their friends.

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[fanfiction](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/fanfiction), [merlin](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/merlin), [writings](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/tag/writings)  
  
  
---|---  
  
**Author:** leviathans_moon

  
 **Title:** To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (4/4)

  
 **Pairing:** Katie/Colin

  
 **Rating:** M

  
 **Warning:** domestic violence.

  
 **Wordcount:** +24k

  
 **Summary:** He gets her and she gets him, except they somehow don’t get each other. Broken hearts, broken pride and minds dominating over feelings stand between them. Climbing and being pushed over those obstacles takes time and needs some help from their friends.

  
 **Comment:** Masterpost is [here](http://leviathans-moon.livejournal.com/55147.html), where you can also find the lovely, lovely header made by [](http://spikessire.livejournal.com/profile)[**spikessire**](http://spikessire.livejournal.com/) . The divider is also made by her. Please make sure to drop her a comment in here or in her journal. I think she did a fantastic job, and it was absolute fun working with her. Thank you so much*-*. She also helped me find some songs for the fanmix. As did [](http://farosdaughter.livejournal.com/profile)[**farosdaughter**](http://farosdaughter.livejournal.com/) , who also took up the challenge to beta-read this monster and did a brilliant job of it. Thank you so much for that, you have helped me so much. *hugs*

  
Also thank you to [](http://rei17.livejournal.com/profile)[**rei17**](http://rei17.livejournal.com/) for various evenings of plotting together, so much fun, and the occasional motivational push *hugs*, to [](http://schwarze-elster.livejournal.com/profile)[**schwarze_elster**](http://schwarze-elster.livejournal.com/) for long discussions about this story while sitting in various pubs in Cardiff and the pointing out of the bookshop (it's real!!! not made up), to [](http://tsutsumi.livejournal.com/profile)[**tsutsumi**](http://tsutsumi.livejournal.com/) for the lines concerning the dog and Bradley, and to [](http://hope-calaris.livejournal.com/profile)[**hope_calaris**](http://hope-calaris.livejournal.com/) for motivation and pushing. Only one of them is somewhat active in Merlin fandom, but never mind that*g*. They're my writing buddies and they're awesome. And now enjoy^^.

  
  


_  
**Fic: To think that nothing's wrong is a problem (4/4)**   
_

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“Heard anything from Katie?”

  
Colin rolled his eyes at Bradley. They were sitting in the make-up room, being made ready for the breakfast show they had to attend to promote the first season of Merlin.

  
“What? Just because you’re not properly talking to each other doesn’t mean you’re not talking to each other at all.” Bradley was fiddling with one of the powder brushes. Colin was going in circles with his chair.

  
“One day, Bradley, you will explain your logic to me, and then I’ll tell you that you’re on the wrong planet.”

  
“Ooh, which planet am I from?”

  
“Still investigating.”

  
The door was pushed open by a young woman with brown hair and a colourful face. Bradley coughed.

  
“Hello guys. Right, we’ll just powder you two a bit, and put a bit of make-up under your eyes to hide the shadows,” she said and thumped a hand down on one of Colin’s shoulders, who went rigid, remembering in the last second that squirming under someone’s touch was insulting to that person.

  
“Shadows?” he asked, looking at himself.

  
“They’re normal,” said Bradley cheerfully to the woman. “You’ll disfigure him if you hide them.” He nodded to emphasize his point. Colin swirled around in his chair and aimed to kick Bradley, but missed. Bradley laughed out loud. The woman laughed with him, and it sounded fake. It was Bradley’s turn to roll his eyes at Colin. Neither of them said anything, just turned their chairs towards the mirrors and waited. The woman needed about a minute to get going, starting to wish she’d taken the day off like she had initially planned.

  
In the end, she screwed up once and the assistant director yelled at her to hurry ‘the fuck’ up, and Bradley and Colin were then rushed to the set and onto the couch just in time. Colin let Bradley talk most of the time and it worked quite well. They went for an early lunch in a pub afterwards.

  
“She sent me a message yesterday, wishing me, us, good luck for today,” said Colin suddenly between two bites of his veggie burger. Bradley lowered the pint of Stella that he had just been guiding towards his mouth, looking at Colin expectantly. Colin continued chewing, looking down at his plate. Bradley sometimes thought that Colin only did that to infuriate him.

  
“And?” asked Bradley with an impatient air. Colin took another bite and chewed. Slowly.

  
“I haven’t answered yet. I don’t know what to write.” A pinkish blush appeared on his cheeks and he mentally kicked himself. Why did he always have to blush?

  
Bradley raised half-way from his seat and made for Colin’s jacket, who grabbed it in time to prevent him from doing so.

  
“What?”

  
“Give me your phone.”

  
“No.”

  
“Give me your god damn phone.” Bradley was wriggling his fingers in a ‘give me, give me’- gesture.

  
“And then what? You’ll write something and she’ll know that you’ve written it.”

  
Bradley deflated and sank back down. “But you have to write something.”

  
“I know. I just have to work out what.” But Bradley seemed as lost as Colin now as to what could be written. Bradley took another bite and stole a chip from Colin’s plate at the same time, lost in thought.

  
Only when the plates had been cleared, did he say something again.

  
“Colin, why don’t you want to go out with Katie now? I mean, I can understand why you stopped... you know. Though I have to say, I admire your will power. What I don’t get is why you still don’t want to go out with her now that has all been blown over the Himalayas?” He nudged over his shoulder with his thumb as if ‘that’ was in the room with them.

  
“Because we’re working together.”

  
“Bullshit.”

  
“Uhm, no, we really are working together.” Bradley threw a coaster across the table and missed Colin. The coaster landed on the floor too far away for Colin to get it without having to get up. It was left lying there.

  
“That’s a bullshit reason, Colin.”

  
“No, it’s not.”

  
“Yes, it is. What? Are you scared the atmosphere on set will get even worse than it already is because of you two?” Bradley downed his beer and clonked the glass on the table. He leaned forward, staring intently at Colin.

  
“Fuck you. I’m doing the best I can.”

  
“No, Col, you’re doing what you think is the noblest thing to do. And as noble as it might be, it’s mainly just crap.”

  
“No, it’s not.” Colin put his head into his hands, as if he was hoping to be able to shut Bradley out that way.

  
“Yes, it is. ‘Cause you know, it’s actually kind of pitiful to watch your self-induced suffering.”

  
“I’m not suffering,” mumbled Colin through his hands.

  
“Says you, and in that state.” Bradley looked at him with a very insistent stare. “And stop contradicting everything I say.”

  
“Yes, Mum.”

  
“And now write to her. You don’t have to proclaim your love, just don’t leave her hanging. I’ll go to the loo, so you’ve got about five minutes, ten if I wash my hands like a doctor would.” Bradley got up and rounded the table. Colin raised his head.

  
“Wash your hands like a doctor would. I need time to think.”

  
“It’s a text message of about 160 characters. What is there to think about?”

  
“A lot. Now piss off.” This time Colin threw a coaster at Bradley.

  
“Lame, Morgan, lame. And your aim’s absolutely disastrous.” With that Bradley disappeared around the corner and Colin was left to think about actually writing the message or whether it would work if he pretended he had.

  
 _Hi! Thanks, it went pretty well, despite Bradley being there. Hope you are well. Hugs, Col._

“Well, what did he write? Hugs, love, kisses or just his name?” Angel sounded way too excited about all this. Two days ago Katie had called her in a panic after registering that she had just written a message to Colin and not really knowing why. Her and Angel had discussed potential answers and repercussions for over 20 minutes, until Angel had to hang up, leaving Katie no less panicky than before the call and leaving her to wonder whether she actually wanted an answer or not.

  
“Hugs. And he wrote ‘Hope you are well.’”

  
“Hm..hm, neutral enough, but not too neutral that he doesn’t acknowledge your personal relationship.”

  
“Angel, stop that analysing spiel and tell me what to do now! Should I write back?” Katie was starting to feel slightly panicky again. The silence at the other end of the line was slightly longer than the one before.

  
“I don’t know. Do you want to answer him?”

  
“I don’t know. If I knew I wouldn’t be asking you.” Another long silence ensued.

  
“Maybe you should wait a bit and then write him an email. I mean, try to make it work as friends, because if I’m honest, the last few weeks of shooting were a bit awkward and not so much fun. I’d like the fun back.” Katie felt a little guilty. She knew it had been her fault, well, their fault. She also knew that she definitely didn’t want to spend another season in that atmosphere. She had to do something, and now that she had started it, she might as well...

  
“Alright.”

  
“Good. End it with hugs, that’s alright. Now I’ve got to call Bradley.”

  
“Angel..” But she had already hung up.

  
It took her another four days to write something that she didn’t find too personal, too much like they had more than friendship, and that she might even possibly send, though she hadn’t decided yet. She was instead sitting in front of her laptop clicking through Wikipedia, reading up on stuff that had never interested her before, clicking further and further away from the original article, which she couldn’t even remember anymore. The fact that she was back in London again and somewhat on her own did not help much to distract her from thinking about Colin and, of course, boredom often makes you do stupid things.

  
She got up because she needed to pee, then made herself a coffee and ignored her computer, instead switching on the TV. After the third commercial break within an hour she switched the damn thing off again, stalked to her computer, and hit the stupid ‘send’-button.

  
Angel was quite aware of the cliché picture she presented at the moment, sitting on the bed, painting her toenails, phone tugged between ear and shoulder to keep it in place. Quite the narcissistic American teenager. Gossiping about boys. How old was she again? She grinned at the family photo from 8 years ago. Thank goodness not that young anymore.

  
“It’s a pity you weren’t there. Bradley’s mates are hilarious. And a few of them are actually quite cute. Oh no, wait, Colin was there too, you wouldn’t have noticed the other guys.”

  
Katie ignored her. “Did you pull?”

  
“No. I mean, not really. Not that night.”

  
“The next?”

  
Angel laughed. “No, but hopefully tonight. Going out with him later.”

  
“Ooooooooh.” Katie made kissing noises through the phone.

  
“Shush.” They both laughed, and Angel painted her skin instead of the toe. “Shit! Missed.”

  
“Did you talk to Col?” The question was a careful reconnaissance. Angel smiled sympathetically.

  
“Not much. There were a lot of people. You know, Bradley likes it big.”

  
“I’m sure he does.” said Katie with an evil laugh.

  
“Gee, thanks Katie, now I’ve got the image of Bradley naked in bed with... Eurgh, somehow I don’t want to imagine Bradley having sex.”

  
“That’s ‘cause he’s your mate. It’s a bit like with parents, you don’t want to imagine they’re doing it either. You only ever imagine people having sex that are people you want to have sex with.” Angel nodded on the phone.

  
“So, when did you last dream about having sex with Colin?”

  
“Last ni... oh, for christ’s sake, I’m hanging up. Gotta go shopping anyway.” Katie was tempted to smash her head against the door a few times, knowing that Angel was quite probably grinning like a madman on the other end. ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid.’

  
“Ooh, shopping. What’ya buying, bitch?”

  
“Food. And possibly water and orange juice. Later.”

  
Angel didn’t get the chance to say bye, or the chance to say that Colin had left Bradley’s birthday party quite early, after looking rather down all night.

  


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The air was biting her skin, trying hard to get under it. The cold was stinging in her nose, her sharp and short breaths increasing its effect. Her hair was flying around her head, which together with her tears made it impossible for her to see anything but shadows and dancing lights. Just run. For now, just run. So she did, aware that there weren't any footsteps following her, aware of the strangers staring after her in astonishment and sometimes with worry, aware that she was running away. She'd never done that before ‘him’.

  
She ran into someone, nearly fell, but caught herself at a lamp post. She mumbled a 'Sorry' and ran on until, turning a corner, she stopped to lean against a wall and breathe. "Shit." How had he found out? Who had told him? There was no doubt about how he got in. He'd always bragged about his lock-picking skills, she'd never wanted to ask what he needed them for. In retrospect, maybe she should have.

  
 _She opened the door, her shopping nearly slipping out of her hands. The moment the door was open wide enough, Byron slipped through the crack out into the hallway and stole himself down to the basement. She frowned. For him to do that he must have had a big shock, like a spider falling on top of him, or one Mr James sitting on him, afterwards swearing he didn't see the 'damn' cat. Hoping that Bradley had in fact not broken into her flat, she assumed it was some stupid insect that had scared Byron, which of course was just typical. She goes to get herself a cat, having in the back of her mind that cats eat insects as well, and she gets the one that's just as scared of insects as she is. A sigh escaped her lips, shortly followed by a scream and a loud crash as her shopping came into contact with the ground and the bottle of wine broke._

  
"How did you get in?" Stupid question, and majorly unimportant, but it was the first thing that came to mind. She was not sure whether to run or threaten him with calling the police.

  
"Ah well, you know." He grinned. The stupid bastard grinned and that was just too much for her.

  
"Get out! Piss off!" Her voice was shaking with rage and a bit of fear. His grin didn't fade.

  
"Come on, Kate. Don't be like that. I just wanted to make things up with you. You ran out on me, you didn't give me a chance to apologize. Come on, Kate." He opened his arms, making a face that was probably supposed to look apologetic and sulky at the same time and looked like neither.

  
"Do you think I'm stupid?"

  
"No, of course not." He made a step towards her, arms now hanging by his side. "No, I don't. I just thought you would have realized that I didn't mean it." Another step and she took one back. He saw it. "Come on, Kate. I want you back, we were such a great couple." He took another step forwards and she hit the doorframe.

  
"I want you to go now, Chad," she said, trying to sound as firm as possible.

  
"Fine." He threw his arms up in a gesture of exasperation. He stepped over her shopping, careful to avoid the red wine. He was by the door, right next to her before he stopped again. He looked at her and she glared back.

  
"I'll come back tomorrow-" "There's no need," she said too quickly. His eyes flashed and he grabbed her by the wrists and pressed her hard against the doorframe. She kicked his shin and slammed her still enclosed right wrist against the doorframe. He yelled out and she managed to twist her left arm free as well. She stumbled and hit the railings in the hallway but then she stormed down the stairs, out of the house and down the street.

"Fuck!" She hid her head in her hands and swore again.

  
"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong this time?" Katie looked up startled. Colin, who had still had a bit of mirth in his voice when he asked that question, lost all of it when he saw her expression.

  
"Katie, are you alright?" He stepped closer and instinctively pulled a loose strand of hair out of her face. She jerked away a bit. Colin put his hands in his jeans pockets and took a tiny step back. "Sorry." Katie stared at the ground, fighting the urge to hug Colin.

  
"I can walk home with you, if you like?" Colin sounded careful, not sure how far he could tread. Still staring at the ground, Katie said: "I can't go home." And if Katie had ever been thankful for anything it was for Colin not asking why she couldn't go home at that moment, instead telling her that he lived just down the room and had a spare bed, if she liked.

  
The silent walk stopped in front of a Victorian house with a bright green door. Katie remembered where Colin lived and wondered whether she’d run to him instinctively. The building was made up of four flats, Colin having the top right one. He'd once told her about it, the cosiness, the little balcony, the even smaller kitchen and the swallows nesting under the roof above his bedroom window, waking him up every morning at an ungodly hour so that he has to shut the window.

  
One of the steps creaked as Colin stepped on it. He winced a bit, thinking of his neighbours. The stairs led onto a landing that was painted in pink.

  
"Not my choice," he said with a smile on his lips, when he saw Katie's sceptical look.

  
"Aw no, it's alright, Colin. No need to hide your feminine side." The humour comes with ease when she's around Colin, even in this situation, and it surprises her.

  
Once inside, she felt some of the anxiety go out of her and a feeling of safety and comfort took its place. She leaned against the wall, allowing herself to breathe easy again. Tonight, she didn't need to think about it anymore. She was sure Colin wouldn't ask. He would just show her where she could sleep, suggest having a bite and watching a movie and then they'd go to bed. Maybe she'd tell him tomorrow. Maybe. She took a deep breath and pushed herself off the wall, going to see what Colin was doing. He was in the kitchen, or at least it sounded like it. It also sounded like he didn't spend much time in the kitchen.

  
"What are you doing?" Katie asked, poking her head around the door. Colin was on the floor, head and left arm stuck in the cupboard under the sink, rummaging loudly between what sounded like pots and pans. After a minute, he scrambled back out, his hand closed to a fist.

  
"Spider," which was enough to make Katie jump out of the way and into the corner furthest away from the windows. Colin grinned at her once the window was closed again. "Don't worry, don't usually have spiders. This was a rogue."

  
"Did you just kick your pet out?" One eyebrow raised, making a very good imitation of Richard.

  
"No," said Colin indignantly.

  
"What was it called?" Katie smiled now. The thought that Colin wouldn't even kill a spider, but keep it as a pet, was actually kind of endearing.

  
"Spiderman."

  
"Cliché."

  
"Classic. There's a difference." Katie laughed out loud at this. She didn't see the smile creeping across Colin's face and how he scratched his ear.

  
"Right, so I was going to eat cheese on toast or something, but I could try to cook."

  
"Cheese on toast is fine. I hope lactose-free cheese is edible."

  
"It is." Colin grinned.

  
"Why don't I believe you?"

  
It was edible and Colin even managed to find some beans to go with it. Katie could feel his eyes on her, but he never asked. They watched a bit of telly, but neither paid much attention to it. At around ten he made up the bed for her, while taking a blanket and pillow to the ‘spare bed’ otherwise called couch for himself, and he would not have it any other way. She protested for another half hour, but Colin was Colin and he wasn't going to let her sleep on the couch. In the end, Colin just sneaked away to brush his teeth and kicked her off the couch when he returned.

  
"You can take the green toothbrush," he said, while spreading out the blanket, and she resigned.

  
In the harsh lamplight of the bathroom, which only enhanced the sterile feeling of it, the reason for her being there flooded back into her mind. She sat down on the toilet seat and stared at the door. Knowing that Colin was there behind it let the anger win over the fear. One of her friends must have told Chad where she lived, the agency wouldn't do that. It must have been one of her friends. Tears welled up in her eyes. She closed them to force the tears away. 'No use crying.' she thought. She looked for the toothbrush and found it lying on top of the small dresser.

  
She came out of the bathroom, stroking her right arm. She had only now felt the pain from the hit against the door earlier. She hoped it wouldn't turn black and blue, or she'd have to explain after all.

  
Colin saw her standing by the door, feeling her arm. "Everything okay?" His head just about poked over the armrest of the couch, his hair wild already. She looked up, faked a smile.

  
"Yeah, I'm fine." She knew Colin only acted as though he believed her. She crossed the room and stood in front of the bedroom door.

  
"Goodnight, Col," she mumbled, not looking at him.

  
"Sleep well. Katie." And she disappeared behind the white door. She slipped under the duvet and curled into herself. The first time she closed her eyes, Chad’s angry face appeared and her body twitched in a frightened reaction. Her eyes shot open and her fingers felt for the night lamp frantically. Her heart only slowly got back to normal rhythm and she once seriously thought about waking up Colin and asking him to sleep in the bed with her so that she would feel safer. Tears welled up at that thought, because she hated feeling so helpless and weak. She also struggled with the thought that this again would seem like a situation in which she only wanted him near because she was looking for comfort and she started crying in full, feeling lonely and lost, and hating it.

  
She finally fell asleep from exhaustion with the light still on. She dreamt about Colin.

The next morning found her being stared down by the subject of her dreams, who could look quite fierce if he wanted to, despite the ears. She'd emerged from the bedroom still sleepy. Her brain hadn't really started work yet or else she might have remembered and covered her arm up. But she didn't remember and Colin saw her manifold coloured arm. He looked ready to punch someone, and there was nothing she could do to make him stop asking.

  
"My ex-boyfriend. He showed up at my apartment last night."

  
"I'm going to call the police."

  
"Colin, no." Katie grabbed his arm to stop him from reaching the phone. He turned to face her.

  
"Katie, if he's your ex, I'm sure I'm right in assuming that him doing something like that," he pointed at her arm, "is the reason why he's your ex." Katie averted her eyes. “Katie, you have to press charges against him.”

  
Her head shot up and she glared at him angrily. “I don’t have to do anything. Just leave it, Col.”

  
“What if he comes back?”

  
“I’ll be gone by then.” She let go of Colin’s arm and hugged herself.

  
“Then you’ll always be the one hiding. And fleeing, should he find you.” Colin laid his hands on her arms, trying to make her look at him.

  
“I’m sure he just thought that me now being somewhat in the limelight, he could get a piece of the cake. He just tried. He won’t again.” She didn’t struggle to try and get Colin’s arms away. But she didn’t look at him either. He sighed.

  
“How can you be sure? You have to defend yourself while you still can.” Colin let go of her when he saw her angry eyes.

  
“Shut up, Colin. I defended myself. I walked out on that asshole the moment he first tried to hurt me. I didn’t suffer through this for months and months. I’m not weak like that.” Her defiant, angry eyes bored into him.

  
“I didn’t mean to make it sound like you were.” Colin said, the anger leaving him. “I’m just thinking that it would be easier..”

  
“No, Col.”, she interrupted him, louder than she had intended. “It would not make it easier. Because I am somewhat in the limelight now. I don’t know how much the whole thing would be dragged through the papers if it came out, but it doesn’t matter. I just don’t want to have this public at all. And it will be if you tell the police.” She reached out and placed a hand just below his shoulders, like she was trying to soothe him with touches, although she needed to be comforted. “Please, Col.”

  
His eyes softened. He gently took her hand from his chest and put his arms around her. “Okay.” She leaned into the hug, closing her eyes and there was that feeling of safety again. Her arms tightened around his waist.

  
“But I’m not letting you back into that apartment. You’ll go get a new one, and until then you’re staying here.” Katie never even thought about arguing about that arrangement.

  


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They started searching for a new place for Katie the same day. They spent the afternoon drinking coffee, eating chocolate and cookies and checking the papers, once in a while calling people to ask about seeing the offered apartment.

  
They went to her old apartment in the evening, packing clothes and necessities to bring back to Colin’s. Chad had smashed the mirror in the hallway and written ‘Bitch!’ across the living room wall with a black marker. Colin told Katie she could wait outside, but she defiantly walked past the wall and into her bedroom, not allowing herself to be beaten down.

  
The ride back home was silent, except for a second when Katie nearly ran over a red light and Colin yelled her name. She hit the brake so hard that Colin’s elbow and lower arm were slammed against the dashboard.

  
“I’m sorry,” said Katie yet again when they entered Colin’s apartment with her stuff.

  
“Stop apologizing. It’s not like you broke my arm or something.” He carried the bag into the bedroom and placed it by the bed. Katie followed him.

  
“I don’t know what came over me. I’m really sorry.” She hooked her long hair behind her head and knelt down next to the bag. Colin moved to the cupboard to make some room for her clothes.

  
“I think we both know what came over you.” He had his back turned towards her, but he could imagine that she was fiercely unpacking her bag without looking up. “I admire your will power, Katie, I really do. But I think in some situations you should let someone stronger step in front of you. Everyone needs someone to hide behind and hang onto like an anchor once in a while.” He pushed at two of his hoodies to get them squeezed in with his many T-shirts. “I need a new cupboard. A bigger one.” He took a step back and checked. “Two compartments enough for you? There are also some hangers left.” He threw a glance over his shoulders. Katie was standing there with a dress folded over her arms, smiling shyly.

  
“Yeah, that’ll be fine.”

  
“Alright. I’ll go get tea ready.” Which meant that he went into the living room, picked up the phone and ordered pizza. Veggie for him, without cheese, and Frutti di Mare for Katie with extra cheese, arguing that Katie’s extra cheese shouldn’t cost extra because they could just take the cheese for her pizza that was missing on his.

  


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When Bradley rang, Colin was just being dragged through the sixth flat that day by Katie. If Colin had already hated searching for a flat for himself, it felt like hell doing flat search with Katie. She had said she needed him for second opinion, but ended up thinking the exact opposite of what he said for most of the time. It didn’t take long for the thought that they were like an old married couple to enter his mind.

  
“What-ho?”

  
“What-ho?” Colin was confused. Which odd slang expression had Bradley now picked up from the streets of London?

  
“Yeah, what-ho. It’s like what’s up, only flashier and from the twenties.”

  
Colin laughed. There was no need to tell Bradley that he was weird. He was pretty sure Bradley knew that.

  
“So what are you doing? I’m back in London town.” Colin heard it in the background. Bradley must just have landed in the city centre, probably trying to work his way through the huge crowd pulling his suitcase after him with one hand, holding the phone with the other.

  
“Katie’s torturing me.”

  
“Ooh, what’s she doing… wait, what? Who? Katie?”

  
“Yeah.”

  
“Our Katie, Keira-Katie?”

  
“Keira-Katie?” Colin had to laugh.

  
From the supposed bedroom Colin could hear Katie yelling: “Say ‘hi’ to Bradders.”

  
“Hi.”

  
“Hug her for me. And then tell me why she’s torturing you, what with and how come you two are even communicating with each other.” Colin moved away from the window towards the bedroom.

  
“First of all…”

  
“No, hug first, then talk.” Colin sighed. He dragged himself through the empty and somewhat dark living room. Katie was already waiting for him, knowing exactly what Bradley wanted him to do.

  
“There done it. Tell him I did it.” He held out the phone towards Katie.

  
“He did it.” She laughed out loud. Colin left her at her thorough examination.

  
“I was going to say you’re worse than my mother, but I actually think you’re worse than Angel.”

  
Bradley simply laughed at that dismissively. Shortly afterwards he cursed into the phone. “Sorry, got stuck with my trolley.”

  
“Is it free again?”

  
“Yes, free and healthy. So, how come?”

  
“She needs a new apartment and asked me to come along for second opinion. Didn’t expect her to be so picky, to be honest.” Colin rubbed his eye with his left hand. Katie had dragged him out of bed way too early for this, and he still had to pack, too, to go to Mull for some filming the next day.

  
“Not the torturing bit, how come you two are talking?” The noise in the background subsided, which meant that Bradley had reached his block of flats.

  
“It’s actually quite a long story that I think she should tell you. Basically, she needed a place to stay, I offered and now she’s looking for something new.”

  
“Anything happen?” Bradley sounded oddly happy.

  
“No.”

  
“Pity. You should go for it.”

  
“Tact, Bradley, tact.” Colin smiled, which turned into something like a groan when Katie came back into the kitchen and shook her head. She mouthed ‘sorry’ and indicated that they could go.

  
“How was that tactless? Anyway, you got time tomorrow?” Colin heard the plonk of a suitcase hitting banisters and then a door lock being opened.

  
“Going to Mull.”

  
“Mull? What the hell are you.. oh right, you’re filming. How about tonight? Drinks?”

  
“You remember the ‘Red Dragon’ on Garden Street around the corner of my place? Meet there at eight?”

  
“Yeah, alright. Bring your girlfriend.”

  
And before Colin could really register Bradley’s comment he’d said ‘Yeah’, Bradley had gasped and hung up with a very witch like cackle and Colin groaned, mentally kicking himself. He’d hear about that one for at least a month. Bradley was very good at remembering things like that, and he was even better at rubbing them in every chance he got.

Therefore Colin turned towards Bradley expectantly that evening when Katie went to the Ladies after half of her first pint.

  
“What?” asked Bradley in mock confusion. Colin shrugged. Bradley pushed him by the shoulder.

  
“I do hope you see sense at some point.” Colin said nothing, just twiddled with his almost empty glass. “And drink less. I can’t watch you drowning yourself in alcoholism.”

  
“I needed that after today.”

  
“Well, at least it’s over now, and Katie’s happy. You letting her stay at your place till the move?”

  
Colin was tracing the Guinness sign with his fingernail and nodded. “Well, yeah. It’s another two months till she can get the place. She can water my plant in the meantime. Usually dump it at my agent’s.”

  
“’M sure that is the only reason,” whispered Bradley loud enough for Colin to hear, who kicked him under the table. At that moment Katie came back and asked Colin: “What’s he done?”

  
“He kicked me,” proclaimed Bradley affronted.

  
“Well, yeah, but you must have given him a good reason.” She sat down next to Colin again and looked questioningly at him.

  
“It was nothing.” Colin blushed and poked one finger against Bradley’s ribs to stop him from saying anything. Katie laughed and mumbled: “Boys”, and directed the conversation towards wall paint colours.

  
Two hours and three pints later she was nowhere near having decided how to paint her walls, as Bradley and Colin rivalled themselves in suggesting incredulous and horrible colour combinations and she couldn’t get a word in because of her laughing so hard. And then Bradley decided it was about time they got Colin home or he’d do something embarrassing.

  
“’m not that drunken.”

  
“Drunk, Col, you’re not that drunk,” giggled Katie. “What time do you have to get up tomorrow?”

  
Colin groaned. “Eight... ish.”

  
Bradley pulled a disgusted face. “You sorry bastard.” They swayed out of the pub and down the street, Colin in the middle, though one couldn’t always be quite sure whether he really was the one who needed the support. Bradley seemed to have to hold onto him quite a lot himself, and Katie spent half the way doubled over in laughter.

  
They waved goodbye to Bradley at the entrance to the tube station and stumbled on, Katie having hooked her arm with Colin’s. They more or less gracefully fell onto the couch and became rather motionless.

  
“I have to brush my teeth.”

  
“I have to pee.” They both giggled, and didn’t move. Silence spread through the apartment, broken only by the ‘meow’ of a cat down in the yard of Colin’s neighbour. Colin had closed his eyes and his breathing was starting to slow down. Katie just stared ahead with a hazy brain.

  
She jumped up abruptly when she couldn’t ignore her aching bladder any longer, and Colin jerked awake. “Sorry.”, whispered Katie.

  
“’s alright.” Colin was already closing his eyes again and sliding into sleeping position on the couch. “Brush my teeth for me?” Katie smiled. When she came back from the loo, Colin lay curled up on the couch. She sat down, pulling the blanket over him. He still wasn’t properly asleep, and grabbed for the blanket. Katie reached out and stroked his hair, and even if she wanted to she couldn’t deny hearing Colin’s sigh. Which made her daring.

  
“Col? Can I stay with you tonight?” she asked with a careful and quiet voice.

  
A whispered ‘yeah’ came from Colin, and Katie’s heart skipped. She pulled off her shoes and crawled under the blanket, drowning out the question whether Colin would have said yes as well had he not been drunk.

  
Of course, being drunk and hung over, Colin would have overslept and missed his flight to Glasgow had his downstairs neighbour not started to drill holes in her wall at 8 o’clock sharp, which did not wake him up but Katie, who then swatted a hand at his nose which was buried in her hair, just like she would swat at a fly. That did wake him up, which led to him deciding he might as well crane his neck to check the clock on the wall, which led to him jumping up in a panic, ending with him accidentally kicking Katie in the thigh with his knee. She groaned into the pillow that she had stolen Colin some time during the night.

  
“Oh God, I’m sorry, Katie. You okay?” He placed a hand on her shoulder and tried to turn her around.

  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Go get ready, you’ll be late.”

  
“You sure?”

  
Katie turned around and smiled at him. “Yeah, I’m sure. That was the revenge for your arm in the car. Go.” Colin grinned at her and climbed over the back of the couch to rush into the bathroom.

  
By the time he emerged from the bathroom again, the situation they’d woken up in had hit him full in the face. He, quite unsuccessfully, tried to act as normal as he could. He hated that his acting skills always failed in the situations where he needed them the most. He jammed his toothbrush and some other sanitary stuff into his bag for Mull and stood up. Katie was standing in the doorframe to the kitchen, still in her clothes from last night, holding out a sandwich.

  
“For the way.” She didn’t smile, but looked at him like she thought he’d do something, something definite. He hooked his bag over his shoulder and took the four steps towards her.

  
“Thanks.”

  
She stood on tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. “Have a safe trip.” He could feel her soft breath on his cheeks and took a deep breath, inhaling her. She moved back again.

  
“Thanks,” said Colin again, overwhelmed. He stood there doing nothing, and Katie looked at him, with her hair wild from moving around in her sleep. She still had markings from her wrist watch on her neck where her arm had lain. Her eyes were slightly red from rubbing the sleep out of them and her lips were nearly as pale as her skin.

  
Colin leaned down and kissed her. A soft touch with the lips, hardly any pressure. It lasted for two seconds.

  
And it seemed like this was it. Like they both knew what would happen, when he came back.

  
“I’ll call you when I get there.” he whispered and then reluctantly turned and left.

  
Katie crawled back onto the couch and hugged the blanket that smelled like Colin. She slept another five hours.

  


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He called, but Katie wasn’t home to pick up. “Hey, uhm, I got here fine. It’s cold and uhm, well cold and rainy up here, but uhm the crew seems to be fun. Uhm... I’ll talk to you... soon. Bye... sleep well. Bye.”

  
He called again three days later, but they mainly danced around the subject that was on both their minds, and the call was cut short by the assistant director asking Colin to come back to set.

  
“You’ve got to talk about it when he’s back. It’ll be weird over the phone anytime. Just wait,” was all Angel said about it, although she had gotten stars and hearts in her eyes when Katie told her about the kiss. “You two are so made for each other.”

  
So she only wrote him little messages, telling him what she’s been doing all day long, talking about a few auditions that she’d been going to, ranting about her mother who was annoying her by wanting to analyse how Katie acted in every episode of Merlin as they aired, telling him that talking to plants does work as his was perking up very well after her daily talks with it. He usually answered late at night, with his typing and grammar a bit off and not very articulate in general. She could only assume how exhausted he must be.

  
And then suddenly he was standing in front of her, with a blush on his cheeks, Bradley in tow, who’d picked him up from the airport. The crew had to leave the island earlier than planned, because money had run out and Colin, exhausted to the bone, had gotten the first flight out without barely any warning for anyone. He’d only realized later that he could have just as well called Katie to pick him up from the airport. Ever since meeting Katie, his mental self- kicking had increased drastically. This time he could have smashed his head against the wall, especially when he saw Katie’s surprised look and the awkwardness in her interactions with him throughout the entire evening. He knew she wondered whether he had changed his mind.

  
Had she?

  
Having Bradley around for tea and a beer afterwards did nothing to relax the atmosphere. And then Colin nearly fell asleep standing in the kitchen doing the dishes, so Katie decided to retreat and let him sleep, just saying goodnight and disappearing, leaving Colin standing there dumbfounded and at a loss as to what to think.

  
When he woke up, Katie wasn’t there, and he felt like shit, even more so than the previous night.

  
“Jesus, Katie. How difficult can it be? Just throw yourself at him.” Angel was actually properly angry with her, and Katie was going into defence mode.

  
“It’s not that easy. I don’t know if he still wants to, and what if he doesn’t. I still can’t move out, the stupid landlady is doing some reconstruction. Where should I go, if he asks me to leave?” She knew she sounded whiny, but decided not to care.

  
“Colin would never do that. We’re talking about Colin here. Colin, who’s in love with you, like mad. He kissed you, if I remember correctly. Just jump him.” said Angel, reaching for her glass. “Well, don’t actually jump him. Colin’s a cute, shy, little puppy. You’ll scare him to death if you jump him. Do it gently. But do something, for God’s sake. ‘Cause he’s too shy.” She downed her glass. “Or, you know, Bradley and I will do something to make you two finally get together. Anthony might chime in as well. It’s been a bitch holding back this long. I hope you appreciate that.”

  
“Alright, alright.” Katie held up her hands in defeat. “It really has been bothering you, hasn’t it?” She looked apologetically.

  
“Yes, especially because you are without a doubt in love with each other. And then somehow manage to not get together. You are the worst lovebirds I have ever seen.”

  
Except when she got back home from that lunch, Colin was nowhere to be seen. She sat around for a while, checking the watch and waiting. She got the Hoover out and cleaned the entire apartment. She cleared out the fridge and threw away everything that was out of date, plus everything else that smelled funny. She rearranged the DVDs alphabetically, and then she put them back the way they were before. She made herself something to eat, washed the dishes, let the images of the TV hypnotize her, until eleven o’clock when the butterflies in the stomach were driving her mad and her determination shat in its pants and hid. She went to bed hating herself a bit.

  


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There was little light in the room, the moon having problems to penetrate the clouds. The chilly air from outside battled away the stuffed heat that had filled the room during the day. Katie had woken up at 3:30, gone for a pee and seen Colin sleeping peacefully on the couch. Now she was sitting on the floor, hands clasped around her knees, back against the bedroom door. Her eyes rested on the couch and the lanky guy sleeping on it, even though she could not make out many of his features. The butterflies had come back, but when she closed her eyes Colin's even breathing became a soothing melody. Once in a while it hitched, breaking rhythm and Katie wondered whether he always did that and whether he always slept on his side, snuggled into the blanket. She hadn’t really noticed that night before he had left for Mull. She had been too drunk.

  
The wind swept into the room and left her shivering a little. She opened her eyes, wishing she was on that couch snuggled in with Colin. She crawled towards him, settled beside the couch. She tried to think of the reasons why they weren't together yet, at what point they'd gone and taken the other turn, away from each other and why they hadn’t found the way back yet. Why they took so long and made it so complicated? She knew Colin had been right when he'd said that they couldn’t because they were working together, when he had actually meant that everything could go wrong if they tried. She wondered how many disappointments he had had, how many times his heart had needed gluing together again. She wondered whether she could make it better. Would making it better be the reason to make it worth a try, to fix them both? He was fixing her, making her feel safe again, and whole. And ultimately that was what she needed.

  
Colin's face was turned halfway into the pillow, so that his right eye was hidden. It looked like he'd been working on flattening his hair on his right side ever since he’d gone to bed. On the left side of his head the hair was tousled, like he'd been pulling it. Katie couldn't help thinking that like this Colin looked young and vulnerable. Something she'd never thought about any of her ex-boyfriends. She raised her hand to try to flatten Colin's hair. He stirred at the contact.

  
"Colin?" she whispered. Finally, she was at the right level between being scared and determined. Angel’s urgent order echoed in her head.

  
It took him a while to fully acknowledge her presence. He raised his head, the black hair sticking to it. "You alright?" The sleepy state made his voice sound rough and his words nearly indiscernible. Katie took a deep breath.

  
"Colin? I want to try." Her voice was still a whisper, her hand was still in his hair.

  
"Try what?"

  
"Us."

  
Colin looked at her, not showing any emotion. Katie started to pull her hand away, but Colin caught it gently. And then he smiled.

  
Raising the blanket with his free hand, he shuffled over to make room for her. In that moment she prayed that it would work. She so desperately wanted it to work. And she crawled onto the bed and settled with her back to him, getting as close as possible. He kissed her shoulder blade. She lay awake until she could hear his breathing slowing down again, his hand pressed against her belly, his head at her shoulder. With her hand lying on top of his, she let herself be guided into sleep by his even breathing.

  


  
  
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